Wtf just happened....?

This is going to be brief because I have little time to write right now.

But I had an experience today that just about shattered me. And it came from somebody that I've only known for 8 weeks. This encounter I experienced with this person made me feel something I thought I'd only feel with somebody close to me.

I will go into detail at a later time but basically this person told me that my behavior last week could threaten our friendship. I wasn't even aware that I was behaving horribly or inappropriately but I do remember feeling horrible inside and out that day. But only today (4 days later) did I really get what must have happened.

Again, I can say no more now. But I will in a while. Gotta work out, even though I'd much rather write.

Emotional Exhaustion

It feels I haven't written in forever. Especially since I am somebody who usually writes religiously. It feels there is so much to tell, and so much I shouldn't tell. Its strange. Its like these days are my happiest and saddest at the same time. But mostly happy, I assure you. The only reason I say sad is...well I am an emotional person by nature and often feel that when something is too good to be true, it just very well might be.

Take my weight for example. At the end of my diet, I had lost 15 pounds. I felt amazing and happy. But then scared. I mean I worked so hard and now my diet is technically over. Sure, this meant I was aloud to eat more of what I wanted...but I was also afraid. Afraid that even if I kept working out, that I would gain the weight back and somehow all that hard work and effort would be wasted. But Brandon assured me that so long as I keep working out hard and just keep in check what Im eating, I should be just fine. And for the most part he seems to be right. I even kicked my workout up a notch to keep myself in check. But as that time of the month rolled around I felt myself bloat a little, even though I drank mostly water and tried to moderate my fatty foods. I checked the scale...gained 3 pounds. But thats water weight, but still it scared me. But then I thought to myself "Hey, its only 3 pounds. You are still working hard, and if thats not enough, just lay off the fatty shit. Its not that hard. You've done it before and you can keep it up. You have all of your life to keep this off, there is no deadline."

And I find that so long as I do my workouts, I do feel better about myself knowing I am working myself to a good sweat. Never thought I'd feel good knowing my face is beat red. Anyway, that is part of my emotional exhaustion. Its a big part actually. But not all of it. Another part is that I am starting a new chapter in my student life. I am leaving community college and finally moving on to something new. Since I didn't get into the university I applied for, I have registered into a message therapy program that I will be taking classes in for about a year. I am excited but scared at the same time. This is really the first time that I applied and successfully registered for a school without one bit of help from my parents and for me that is huge. Usually my Mom has to walk me through the process or help me out in some way. But neither of my parents have so much set a foot in this place. Honestly this is probably the most adult decision I have ever made in my life. That might sound a bit of an exaggeration to some of you, but to me...its pretty big. So that is the second part of my exhaustion.

But the third? Probably the most important and life changing...

I'm in Love.

~IrishEyes

Summer Thus Far

So now I enter the last month of my diet. I've lost 10-12 lbs. I still hope to lose a little more before the month is out and I don't think it'll be a problem. As I am writing this blog I am in fact sitting in a warm cozy bed in the Hyatt hotel in Washington DC. I've come on this trip with my Mom and so far, I am having a great time. I was worried at first because I thought it would be difficult to keep up my workouts. But here at the hotel I have lucked out. They have a fitness center, where I can use my jump rope, or if I want I can run on the treadmill or ride the exercise bike. I just hope that I'll be able to keep this up even when we leave here and stay in other towns. Other hotels might have fitness centers, or at least a pool. I also will still have my jump rope and my hand weights.

Also for other news, my sister had come back. Has come back and thankfully has left again. I hope that having us away from home will help Poppy realize that she is not safe for the house. Debbie is still doing drugs. Our housekeeper saw her in the backyard shooting it again. She was screaming and cursing when my Dad called her up on it, saying how "its not fair" and that she didn't do anything. God what a fucking liar. I mean come on! We've caught you in the act before, moron, learn to taking some fucking responsibility for yourself! It drives me crazy!

In other news, I have never been happier, with the ways things are going, not too much gets me down. Coming August I'll be going to the school I want to train for a real good job, I am speaking to Chrissy again and things have been going great with that, and I actually need to be fitted for new jeans because my old ones are too big! Things have honestly been going quite well. Now if only Debbie would be gone for good and if I didn't have jury duty...

Anyway, I better be getting on to sleep. I know the time says 10 after 7, but here its 3 hours ahead, and since I didnt get a long nights sleep last night, I figure I could head for bed now and get a nice early start in the morning :) Gotta get the workout out of the way before breakfast.

~IrishEyes

Finally...

Its hard being the middle of three daughters, especially when the eldest is your mother's dream child and the youngest is the family terror. You feel you are always being compared to both siblings. The parents wonder why you're not like the older one and they forget that you are not nearly as troubling as the youngest one.

For the past two or three years I felt I was always trapped in the middle. I always felt that when my older sister was over, she and my mother would always gang up on me. Its always so difficult because they are exactly alike. I wouldn't have minded so much if I felt I had somebody else who is always on my side. Yes I have my friends, and yes my father is usually with me but even he can't be on my team all the time.

But what's even worse than a perfect older sister is the horrible younger one, Debbie. As you have read in my past blog, she can be just dreadful. I feel I can never have an opportunity to have time alone in my house to have friends over because even if my parents go away, SHE was always there and brought friends over whether I liked it or not.

But my luck I feel may be finally changing for the better. Debbie is finally kicked. And hopefully this time she will not be coming back. This situation can be great and horrible at the same time. It means we wont have anything stolen again and we can finally relax...but it also means that attention might be focused more on me...which can be negative at some points. I'm going to have to do my best to make sure the attention on me isn't negative (even keeping my room clean could be reason for the folks to go off on me...)

I hope this is all for the best...

Week 4 and other things...

Week 4...I lost 8-10 lbs. I'm definitely getting into good habits with keeping up my workouts every day. My only worry is that I might go over a calorie count (even with good food) and gain weight again...but I know that in the long run, I am consuming so much less than I used to AND I'm working out 6 days a week and most of it consists of cardio, so gaining weight in fat really wouldn't make any sense would it? If my numbers did go up, chances are it would be in muscle. After all muscle does weigh more.

But anyway it is going well. Not eating junk food isn't killing me anymore. Sure, I miss it, and I'll be thrilled when I can have it again, but now I feel my health is sooo much more important to me than cravings and I feel there is no way I can go back to my old habits, especially now I can say I'm getting results. So even when I welcome back the junk, its not going to overpower me. I am determined.

But now, I am also trying some other things that are productive. I am officially started my new summer goal. I call it, Project: Terminating Clear out...I don't know why I felt I had to name it, maybe to make it official or maybe to pressure me to actually finish. The thing is, my room is filled with junk and clothes I will never wear again and all it is doing is wasting space. I mean I barely have room for the things I love and still use! Its no wonder I can't keep this place clean. And the idea of having to worry about all this junk in the next two years when I'm getting ready to move out is just too much. I'd rather get it all done and out of my way now, that way when I DO move, there is a little less to deal with. Plus I'm tired of my parents being on my ass about it.

But thats basically whats going on in the summer so far. Two goals to complete...Three if I count finishing reading that book...haha

I'll update again soon...

~IrishEyes

Staying Strong

When I first started this diet (its been almost two weeks) I thought I was going to die it was so torturous. I wasn't used to working out 6 days a week, eating only the healthy stuff and not being allowed to snack on things like chips and crackers. Its still hard. Especially when I see people eating Pizza, burgers and Tacos. I also miss my soda.

Still as the days go on, and I get my workouts in and knowing I am eating right and not too much, there is a comfort knowing that I'm doing right for my body. Its was heartbreaking to hear that my blood pressure was too high along with my cholesterol. Not by much...but still on the high side. This is so much more than vanity pounds, which so many people seem to think I'm worried about. Every day now I look in the mirror and I think to myself "Millions of women wish they could have this body!" And I think about how blessed I am for my body and that I need to take care of it if I want it to last.

This is not just about getting happy, this about STAYING happy. I don't want to look in the mirror in 30 years and wonder what happened to that beautiful girl that I was. No. I'm going to work hard and not give up on myself ever. Nobody can make me completely happy but me. I got to do this for myself. I wont be on this diet forever. But even after the occasional burger or milkshake, I'm going to continue working out to make sure my body can keep up with everything.

I'm staying strong. And in 30 years, I'm going to be able to look in the mirror and say "You still got it!"

You wait and see...

~IrishEyes

Day 6...

So yesterday was my day off...yeah right.

Oh sure, I didn't work out. But there was next to NOTHING in the house to eat! I'm already sick of fish. Waaay to early in the plan to be sick of fish. I'll have to have some chicken today.

Anyway...

So I found out the day before that the wedding I was supposed to attend was cancelled and Brandon and I had yet to figure out why. But I thought it was whatever because it meant I didn't have to rush to get dolled up after babysitting my niece and nephew who were coming over yesterday.

Long story short my 3 year old niece was driving me insane. It probably wouldn't have been so hard if I didn't have my hands full with my 9 month old nephew. But the fact that she was running around and making a huge mess and wouldn't stop talking was incredibly aggravating and I wasn't even able to come up with some sort of lunch for myself and I couldn't snack on any of the crap we had.

For a bit of salvation I called up Megan to see if she had any updates why the wedding was canceled...

Turns out our friend the groom was arrest for double homicide...yeah no kidding. So there's shock along with hunger and irritation.

I then ended up on the phone with Brandon, letting him in on the details. He ended up filling me in on a whole lot more because he had access to his computer and was able to look up more news updates. The would-be groom killed two people, and supposedly it was all for profit. I suddenly felt incredibly worn out. Brandon suggested that I come over to his house after I was through with the kids, get some time to breathe. I agreed.

But then what's interesting is that I ended up on the phone with Chrissy! Who heard the news and wanted to confirm that she wasn't just seeing things! I had to admit, it was nice talking to her.

But my mother and my older sister were taking WAY too long. I was supposed to be done by 3 p.m., so when 4:30 p.m. pasted by, my irritation was REALLY beginning to build. I wanted to go to the grocery store and get myself some supplies but NOOOO they went ahead to do it for me and they didn't get me what I asked for! Seriously!!!! Are plain Cheerios THAT much to ask! I've given up EVERYTHING else, give me my GODDAMN CHEERIOS!!!!

And of course they each have to give me their health speeches. Ya know what? Both my mom and sister are a LOT heavier than me and they want to give me health advise? I really don't care what they have to say right now, I think I know whats best for me right now.

To just add the cherry on top...when they finally came back home, they forgot my money! I didn't even get paid!!! I was so angry that I just an apple and left for Brandon's. It was around 6 p.m. by this time.

Yeah know, I never thought to be one of those people who "ate their feelings" and I still don't really but I think like many others I think I have used food as a source of comfort. Now I can't eat most of the things I love and find myself thinking about it a lot. I'm just afraid that I'm going to go crazy one day and binge out of frustration and gain 10 pounds! I don't plan on letting that happen but its certainly a fear. So far I'm already making progress...the scale says 149 lbs. I know its more about inches than numbers...but still it feels nice to see it.

~IrishEyes

Day 2...

Alright so I was totally over dramatic last night...

I kind of feel horrible for thinking that Brandon would have some sort of hidden agenda or something. I only say "kind of" because I was upset yesterday and am always hard on myself, and thankfully I didn't take my frustrations out on anybody. I think I was just being a little over emotional because it seemed like a lot of shit went down. But it really wasn't that bad.

Anyway, even though I didn't tell him last night, Brandon knew I was upset. He asked me today if I felt better because he knew something was off. We then had a little talk. I didn't need to really tell him how I was feeling. He knew. He just asked all the right questions and through that he answered mine. He told me that he was just in this to support me, and it wasn't at all about him. Its just me and what I want. He's just going to help me get there.

So needless to say, I feel tons better. Well emotionally anyway, physically I'm sore as fuck and am dreading tomorrow. I just REALLY hope that my energy lasts a hell of a lot longer. It would sure be nice if I could at LEAST make a couple laps without my body crapping out on me! But like I said before, Brandon is not going to be as easy on me, I don't think he'll let me walk. Thats fine, I need the push, but OMG I really hope I don't try to kill him...

Its bad enough that my legs are killing ME right now...

Oh well, after tomorrow I wont have to run again until Saturday! lol joy...

~IrishEyes

Day 1...

I can't help but feel slightly (or greatly) irritated.

The day started out pretty trying. I had beaten my alarm by about 3 hours and had a hard time getting back to sleep. My alarm went off at 8:00 am so I could be at the Doctors office for my appointment at 8:50.

I get there all in good time, though tired as fuck. I check in at the third floor and waiedt to be seen. Thankfully I didn't have to wait long. I figured this Pap test would be a simple "in-n-out" affair. They checked me at the scale...162 lbs. Great, like I didn't already think I was a fat-ass. Because unless my scale at home is off, then I must have gained 8-10 pounds!

I sit, they check my blood pressure, ask me the routine questions, blah blah blah, you get the picture. Then the nurse took me to the little room, told me to undress completely and put on the hospital frock. Yay...the fun part. I'll try to run this by fast, Doctor came in, did another set of routine questions and explained about the Pap and that she would guide me through the process. I'm on the table, legs propped up and spread and just when we're about to get this stupid thing going, she stops. There was too much blood. I hadn't realized that my cycle was still fairly heavy (It didn't start till thursday, the day after I even booked the appointment).

So needless to say the rest of the appointment couldn't go on which meant I spent $25 for nothing! On top of that, she sent me down stairs for a blood lab test, another $10 out of my pocket. This wouldn't be a huge deal if I hadn't just earn that exact amount of money the night before. Yay, I spent a whole night earnings on a half done pap smear!!!!

I was fucking pissed off. I didn't even bother rescheduling my appointment, I was too mad. Couldn't find the damn nurses station anyway...why couldn't I just reschedule an appointment at the fucking front desk!

Anyway, I was off to meet up with Brandon at his house to start our run. Today was day one of my diet and workout plan. We drove over to the university campus where they have a track. It was a beautiful day with a nice breeze. I thought this would be nice and take my mind off this morning. Wrong.

I started out okay, at a fairly good pace and I was able to keep up with Brandon. But about half way around the track I started to feel weary. My breathing grew heavy. Suddenly the track felt soooo much bigger and I thought "How can I possibly run 12 laps! I can't even make it half around the track!!!!" I felt weak and so embarrassed! I never wanted Brandon to ever see me like this. I wanted to just keel over and die. I tried. I kept going. Fortunately Brandon was easy on me and let me walk briskly some of the way. He knew that I hadn't trained myself to breathe correctly and it didn't help that I was running on empty (I couldn't eat before the blood test), and they had taken more blood from me than he had originally thought. I was fatigued.

I didn't quit. Quick or slow I made the 12 laps. I know it had some effect, I can feel it in my legs. But I dread our run on Wed. He said he wont let me walk next time. I just hope that I'll have more strength to pull through by then, since I'll have eaten something and my blood replenished.

Even though I was happy he was with me and wants to help me get to my goal weight...I almost can't help but feel a little upset. Its horrible that I have a complex about my weight, I'm still working on getting over it, but I wonder why Brandon is really doing this? He says I can't do it for him, I have to do this for me. Yes. But what is he trying to say? I didn't exactly ask for his help, he just sort of offered on his own. I can't help but feel that this is to feed his own ambition, or to prove something. I know its not his intention but I've never felt so fat or weak as I did today. Not all day today (it wasn't all bad) but I felt it never the less.

I'm not going to give up. If this is what it takes to stop feeling like this...then I'll get through it.

But anyway...thats my day...

~IrishEyes

Parking Lot Rage????

So yesterday I'm driving with Brandon and we decided to make a stop at Vons so I can deposit some money at the ATM. I'm driving at a safe pace for the parking lot, then I notice there is this kid walking up the MIDDLE of the road way, towards my car. Before I can bring my car to an even slower speed he bolts out of the way (as he should!), so I continue on my way. But as I pass by I hear a woman's voice shouting "Stop for him, BITCH!!!"

"Excuse ME???" I say as I turn my head to see this angry woman, crossing the road.

Ok, I understand if this kid was crossing and I just didn't stop. But this little Mo-foe, was walking straight UP the middle of the road towards my car! I'm sorry I don't fucking care if you are the pedestrian, that doesn't mean you can walk any which way you want! I certainly was NOT going to hit him, but he needs to get out of my fucking way!

God damn, woman! I couldn't believe she had the nerve to yell at me! Seriously. I know I'm totally prejudice when I say that she was probably trash, but you know what, I don't go yelling at people in the middle of a parking lot, when they really didn't do anything wrong.

Ya know I don't get what is with me and people in parking lots these days. Just the day before I had another encounter with an angry person, and in this case it REALLY wasn't my fault!

Basically the parking lot at the AMC theatre was packed. Brandon and I were only there to talk to the hiring manager to see he picked up his application. I found one close spot. It was a bit of a tight squeeze because this moron parked over the line and into MY side. No matter, my car is fairly small and I managed to get in (staying within BOTH lines lol).

Brandon and I take care of business at the theatre and when we get back, the douche was pulling out of the spot next to us, and I thought "Perfect! All the easier to get back in the car!" But as I unlock the doors and was about to get in, I see the douche behind the wheel of the pulling out car through his window, he turned his head towards me and mouthed "Asshole".

WHAT?!?!

At first I wondered if it was some stupid mistake but nope! He said it! He wasn't saying it to Brandon either, he didn't even see it! When he came down the other lane I mouthed "Fuck You!" back at him but I don't know if he saw it.

What? Was he mad that I parked next to him and it was too close??? Thats HIS fault then because he was a D-Bag and parked OVER the line! If anything I should be pissed, but I let it slide, so where does HE get off???

I know, I know, it seems like I have total parking lot rage but I never start it.

Anyway, I know I haven't been writing as regularly as I usually do. But now that finals are over and Summer vacation has begun I will be updating much more often :)

~IrishEyes

What's your fetish?

You know I love it when some people (myself included) hear the term "fetish" their minds automatically goes to some place disgusting or unusual. Like its very unsightly to have a sexual fetish, or its out of the norm. Very true, there ARE some pretty outrageous fetishes I would never care to touch or just never would have thought sexually appealing. But if you are like me and like to think outside the box and try new things in bed, chances are, you do have some sort of fetish (or paraphilia) and maybe you are not even aware of it!

Now I'm not saying that you are a closet case freak that secretly worships the human foot, but perhaps there is a part of the human body that you favor more than others and it may not even be particularly sexual, but certainly a fixation. For example, I am very fond of the neck. It is a warm, comfortable, often smooth and sensitive part of the body. Many people don't always think about the neck off the bat when talking about sex, yet I find it plays a big role in foreplay. And those who do like the neck all know that there are many different levels of "neck-play": Kissing, licking, sucking, breathing and when done right even biting. But don't immediately go Vampire on me, I don't believe in blood or hickeys.

But that is one of my fixations. I do have many others that are actually for the most part quite normal for girls to have with guys, like arms and hands. But those of course are still just body parts. The technical term for "Fetish" means a fixation on something that isn't living or part of something living.

Ok, so what about objects? Well for me, I still have yet to discover an object that alone turns me on. It probably would have to depend if a partner was using it or something. Always joked about having a panty fetish but I don't exactly believe that to be the case. Some people do however have fetishes for shoes, stockings, bras and all sorts of clothing. Believe it or not but some people are actually turned on by stuffed animals or cartoons!

As for me, like most women, I'm not so visual to get turned on by looking at something. I am more turned on by activity. At first this may seem like an obvious thing that everybody is into...I mean sex and foreplay itself is activity. True but I like to add some other things to spice it up. I personally like a man who is comfortable with dirty talk in bed. I also love to be dominated. Its probably the only time where I like being dominated by a man. Of course when I say "dominate" I mean that in fairly simple ways. I have never actually attempted bondage with belts, whips and handcuffs. But to feel the weight of a man on top of you, gripping you tightly, with a firm hand slap on the behind, its simply amazing.

I know, I know its not everyone's cup of tea. To some of you, this may actually sound laughable like how we feel about many other fetishes. To be honest I surprised myself when I discovered what is I love in sex. Ironically, what I love in sex, I hate in life. But I've actually seen that to be the case in many people. There are some hard working business men who find they liked to be babied by women, and some extreme feminists like to dominated by men. Most of this will go unknown because nobody wants anyone to know about their secret bed lives. And who can really blame them, right?

But I am convinced that unless somebody is a true "Vanilla" in the bedroom, everyone has some sort of sexual fetish or paraphilia.

Ever given it any thought?

How do Girls get laid?

An interesting question.

How DO we???

Sometimes I wish that girls had it as easy as men when it comes to sex. I mean when it comes to the physical deed, it is easy. I could easily pick up a guy at the bar and sleep with him. But the difference is, I wouldn't feel safe. A guy doesn't really have to worry about picking up a woman and then having her take advantage him. Its more dangerous for women in that way. Its also easier for SOME men to be detached. I don't have too much of a problem with that. I can sleep with a guy and not feel bad about it, if I can convince myself it was something I wanted and needed.

But even so, despite all this and even though "Times have Changed", there is still a HUGE double standard for women. Its still all about rep. A guy can sleep around and people are more likely not to worry about it, but if a girl sleep with the same number of partners, she's a slut. This is not always true, but its been the norm in many places for a long time. Even though my number of partners is very much in the single digits, I guess I worry about what others might think, although its my business and I don't even have to talk about it.

Its not just that. I also care about not making some stupid mistake. While a one night stand maybe nice for the night, what risks am I taking? I am always protected but I worry something bad may still happen. I don't think I could be fully comfortable sleeping with somebody who's history I'm not aware of. I guess my biggest fear would be herpes, because even with a condom, that can be catching.

So reasonable doubt keeps me away. And I suppose in the end, that is the wiser choice. I mean would it be really worth it? All it takes is one night with the wrong man.

I guess it would be more worth it to at least date the guy, get to know him a little and then have a couple of clean nights :) then everybody wins! lol

We'll just see what happens I guess...

Perfect 10

Is it just me, or are standards for dating gotten like totally ridiculously high?

I mean, I could be wrong but I feel that what people are looking for are just not fair to ask. This is not just about guys wanting to date super models, girls seem to have impossible standards as well. They want a nice, smart, funny guy who is ridiculously hot, that's sensitive but not TOO nice and has a good amount of money in his pocket. Yes these are all redeeming qualities but is it too much to ask? I think so. We can't have it all. Its nice when we find a guy who is available, good looking, well on his feet and happens to be good looking and charming, but he can't be perfect, that doesn't exist. In my experience if a guy has a lot of something, he often is lacking in something else, and that con just might outweigh the pro.

This is what happens when you set out to find the "perfect" guy, you are basically setting yourself up to fail. Especially if you are not willing to overlook the faults.

As for me, I've actually never set out in search for the "perfect" guy. But I'm starting to think that my problem might be that my standards were set quite low. None of my past boyfriends were particularly great looking. They had some nice qualities but in the end they turned out to be oober religious, self loathing, too detached or TOO clingy. What I'm looking for now is a good balance. Trouble is I'm still not fully over my last crush on Brandon and you may very well know.

So what's with him? I find that he has the attractive part down, he takes care of himself and can dress himself which makes up for his height (he falls an inch or two below me). Also talking with him can be highly entertaining, he's nice enough where we get along so well but is cocky enough that it doesn't come across as too nice or needy. He can make fun of himself and make you laugh. He can also be very smart.

I thought for a while that he just might actually be pretty perfect, but ya know what? I think sometimes he thinks he is too and thats kind of the BIG problem I have with him. He sort of puts himself on a pedestal, whether he wants to admit it or not, he does. Its when I get THAT vibe that I start to turn off to him because its like he thinks he's better than, not just anyone but better than me. Or deserves better than me which is fucking bullshit.

I want to apologize if it seems like I obsess over Brandon in this blog, but thats only because I do. At this point in time he is a HUGE part of my life, and being one of my best friends he probably will be for quite awhile...only I hope in the future I wont need to vent about him.

Anywho,

So where was I going with him and having standards? Well Brandon happens to be my glimpse into a man's world when it comes to their point of view in dating. I was having a rather enlightening conversation with him last night which eventually got a tad discomforting because by the way Brandon was talking to me, you would think he was talking to a younger boy who was asking for advice to score a chick. I guess the point he was trying to make was that men have to do a lot more work than girls when it comes to meeting up and striking up a conversation. But parts of the whole thing that bothered me was that he made it seem like it was all black and white and knew EXACTLY what to expect with women. Like all women are the same. It seemed pretty objectifying.

I wanted to tell him that he knew shit about women. Of course you can't tell Brandon anything, he always has an argument. I wasn't even going to bother. But truth be told. I really don't think he knows women. He just knows some...and the majority of them are stupid. Because think about it, if he knows so much and is so great, why isn't he in a relationship. I know its just because he doesn't want one. I'll tell you what another reason is, because there is never a girl who is good enough.

Now we come to men setting standards for women. Some men just don't have any. But some are after the "perfect 10". I've got it down to 5 categories, worth 2 points each: Hair, Face, Bust, Bod, and Personality. Now that one of for the nicer guys that are looking for long term. For the assholes, the last categories can be swapped out for such things like "ass" or even her level of drunkness. But in any case, you pass all categories, you're the perfect 10 and worthy!

Now everybody rates differently according to taste, fair enough. But isn't a perfect 1o difficult for any girl to achieve? I mean, I think myself to be quite a catch but a perfect 10?

Ok, physicality alone, how would I rate myself?...I'm tall, pretty good legs, clean complexion, expressive eyes, long hair, decent smile, slender but not particularly thin, small chested but broad shoulders...hm...an 8? Maybe? I think that's confident enough without being totally narcissistic but you see my point? I'm not a 10! And how could I possibly compete with a 10?! It's like I'm in some sort of beauty pageant and I'm being judged all the time. This is also what's difficult when you have guys for friends because you hear about "perfect 10"s or lack of which. Is Brandon not settling for less than 10? My god I don't even DARE to ask how he would rate me. I'm afraid of it. I know if I asked he'd be honest and I'm not sure if I'd want his honesty about that. It probably would make me want to starve myself or go running until I pass out.

I believe if you want to be happy with ANYONE, even if you find your "perfect 10", you're going to have to compromise at some point. I've come to understand that. Its about balance. But am I going to find a great guy who is willing to compromise with me?

I could have danced all night...

I just got home and I'm still a little drunk. I should go right to sleep but I feel I should right this down now while I'm still feeling strong and completely honest.

I went out with Brandon, Jessie and Terra tonight. Went to a bar with an awesome dance floor and there was no cover charge and Terra payed for my drinks. There were a lot of people tonight and although the evening started out slow we soon were all dancing on a glowing dance floor with bodies surrounding all over.

There were a lot of guys with their eyes on me. Some were kind of cute but nobody I was really interested in. There was a turkish guy whom I'd met before and wanted me to go home with but I wasn't about to let that happen. I wasn't about to leave my boys. Brandon and I had an understanding: If a guy bothers me, he's my get out free card. Brandon would be my boyfriend. I couldn't have been happier. It could have easily been Jessie. I know its really not anything, but just the fact that he cares enough. I figured there would have been no reason for rescue however. Most guys seemed to be going for Terra.

I figured wrong...

As I said there were quite a few guys with their eyes on me, the Turk and a few others. There was this guy in a grey sweatshirt that tried to grind up behind me. Jessie pulled me towards him and Brandon and suddenly I was dancing between them, Brandon and I were front to front. This went on for a little till Grey shirt went away and Jessie went to dance by himself. Brandon and I continued to dance together. I always loved dancing with him. Gives me an excuse to be close to him. Another guy in a red shirt tried to get at me but Brandon and I kept moving closer together, our bodies were in sync. It was a moment I've dreamt for so long. I haven't danced with him like that since Valentine's Day 2009 when we first went out dancing together. I so bad wanted to rest my heavy head on his shoulder but I didn't dare. He and I continued to dance relatively close for the rest of the night, looking out for each other.

By the end of the night, I wanted to cry. Not really out of joy or sadness, but out of pure wanting. Wanting physical attention, wanting love, wanting him. I so badly want him to want me. It is so unfair. How can I be aloud to be so close to him yet have to keep my emotional distance?

Damn it.

With rape, there are NO exceptions...

I don't hate men. I just hate what some men do. I also hate what some men say.

Rape a girl and then lie about it? You're not only a disgusting criminal but you are a coward!

~ We all know that rape is wrong. Oh sure, we all say it. Its always the same. Any asshole who would dare touch an innocent girl when she doesn't want it should be put behind bars, no questions asked, right? Right? Why yes, of course!

That is...until the girl herself is questionable...

Well she was wearing a short skirt. She was flirting with him. She didn't tell him to back off right away! She was ASKING for it!!!

.........

I am going to make this clear right now. Any man, I don't care if he's my best friend or a total stranger, but if ANY man has the gull to say that girls "ask for it", if they EVER say that to my face...you can be sure, that I will never speak to them again.

That goes for ANY ignorant women as well.

NOBODY ASKS FOR RAPE!!!

There is a difference between asking for something and putting yourself at risk!

I understand that some women are reckless, troubled and don't always know what's good for them, but that doesn't give men the excuse to do what they want.

This is the problem with thinking as sex is some kind reward. Nobody deserves to get laid. So I flirted with you at Rocky Horror, at the Bonfire, or the football game, so you think you earned sex at the end of the line?

Are men so over sexed that its become such a need?

No. Its not just about the sex. Its about hurting women. I hate hearing guys talk about not getting laid and getting mad at girls like they think its something they NEED or deserve. What are your nads gunna fall off? DEAL with it!

Boys will be boys, its a whole lot of horse shit.

There is just...so much of this sort of thing that is so wrong and disgusting that I can't even begin to blog all about it. Every step I take in typing this out only creates new points that I have to touch.

How can I possibly make the world understand that there are NO exceptions to rape?

I can't even make my friends understand...

Jessie...he made me so angry once, I HAD to stop the subject. He said that some women do ask for it. He doesn't understand. Even if thats not how he meant it...he doesn't get how even uttering those words just opens door for other men to hurt people!

Would he say that had it been me?

You guys talk about it like its a consequence for women who just want to be thought of as attractive, some guys even joke about it at times!

Don't you get it? Its scary!!!

The fact is that some of you will NEVER understand how it feels to have NO control of your own body! You don't have to be aware of your surroundings at all times, you're not as easily taken advantage of. Do you have a single clue what its like to know that you are weaker? And no matter how much you know, or how hard you fight or how loud you scream people will still turn their backs.

I may not have been raped. But I know how it feels to be taken advantage of and then lied about. I made the mistake of blaming myself and I was fearful.

This is what uttering "she asked for it" does to women. It makes them not want to fight back and makes that disgusting lie more true to people.

If a girl says "No" its rape. Don't ever try to make it something else.

What to do with him...

I don't know.

Its difficult making heads or tales with Brandon. To most, he is a man of few words. For me, there's not enough words in the universe. I've never met a guy who could keep me in interest for so long. I feel part of it is because I can't have him. People ask me why I like him and I feel I don't have all the answers in my mind. All I can think of are a zillion reasons why I SHOULDN'T like him! Often he is thoughtless, insensitive, rude, cruel, stubborn, selfish and opinionated. He is in fact my polar opposite. I should hate him!

So why don't I? Why do I put up with somebody that could potentially hurt me?

Well he's funny, he actually gets my odd sense of humor. At times he makes me laugh so hard I feel I'll burst. He's the only person I know whom I can quote random movies and shows to and GETS it, and does it with me! He's a decent conversational companion. He's honest and will give you answers straight out. He has great taste in movies. He takes care of himself, always dressed decent and is always trying to better himself physically. He plays guitar. He sings, he'll actually sing WITH me. He also has awesome taste with music and is always looking for something new for us to listen to. There was a time where he came across a song he thought I'd like, he told me about it when we were driving and decided to play it on his mp3 player. I knew the song, it was in fact one of my favorite songs in the whole world. It just amazed me how he just knew. He always seems to know what makes me tick. But that could be dangerous.

Even with all these pros, it still doesn't quite seem to outweigh the cons. But I can't describe the feeling I get when he's there. Its like being safe, while anticipating walking on hot coals.

I wonder at times about why he keeps me. He wont have me, but he keeps me under a watchful eye. I feel that he keeps me on a leash all the while pushing me away if he feels I come too close. I know he doesn't want me close "that way" but I wish he would just...let me in. It's like he's afraid it would mean something if he did. Is he thick headed? Does he think that I'm so naive and in love that I'll chase after him the moment he lets me get close?

I do admit I'm still extremely attracted to him. But I know the boundaries. I only wish he wasn't so cruel. To me it just comes across that he doesn't appreciate me. I feel undermined, passed over. Does he even realize it?

I wish I had all the answers. He thinks he has them all. But I'm starting to think that he doesn't know half of what he thinks he does.

I don't know.

~IrishEyes

Pass the smoke screen exists the "Normal World"

Take it from me, growing up with autism was one big pain in the ass!

But hey, how could it be worse?

The truth? Dealing with autism as an adult!!!!

To many people these days who meet me and talk to me, it often comes as a shock when I tell them that I am autistic. I've apparently come so far since childhood that I can actually pass at being normal.

Normal. For so long I've hated that word. My older constantly told me to be "normal". What does that even mean? Who or what defines "normal"? I didn't know. To this day I still don't fully know what it means. But as much as the word pained me, it was the one thing that I desperately wanted. To be like everyone else. To be normal.

Even before I became aware of what was really "wrong" with me, I knew that there was something that the other kids had, or knew that I didn't. I wasn't sure what it was exactly. All I knew was that they had something I couldn't grasp. Like at school, it seemed like most things came so easy to the other kids that I just couldn't understand. Some sort of wall separated us. It was unseen by the other kids but to me it was plain as day. The other kids just dismissed it as me being weird and socially retarded. I guess I sort of was.

Not only was I painly shy and silent most of the time, but it felt like when I ever did speak out, it was irrelevant and stupid and often ended in my embarrassment. For a while that was my phobia, being embarrassed. I was so oversensitive and could never laugh at my own mistakes. I always felt that people were laughing at me. I also had a difficult time expressing myself, which came to be a problem if I ever needed something.

Thats something that people tend to forget with autism, that it is indeed a communication disorder. For the most part I was a smart kid, I just had to take some things a little slower than others. And in many subjects that proved to be a good thing. Taking things slowly made me a patient child, especially in arts and crafts. While others were rushing through scribbled drawing, I sketched story boards. My teachers saw some potential in me, but I think they thought it was wasted talent. They couldn't see me getting very far trapped in the shell I seemed to be in.

It wasn't until I reached the second grade that my mom took me out of school in search for a new environment for me. Finally we found a private school with a different view on how to educate children. The classroom were filled with colorful artwork made with water colors and colored silk scarves and large wooden colored pencils. Outside, kids were aloud to run around the huge grass lawn, and the herb garden and climb trees. This school to my mother seemed like a dream come true. To me it felt it might have been too. But like the other school, the kids were often cruel for lack of understanding me. I was just about ready to give up on believing I would ever be worthy in the world. But somebody was about to prove me wrong.

My third grade teacher, Dave, was originally from Australia, taught at the school as our main lesson teacher. He played guitar, wrote his own songs and was always very kind to me. I adored him. He spoke to us like grown-ups and never sugar coated anything. He encouraged my art work and was the first person to inspire me to sing. He chose me to sing a solo with him at our class pageant. I suppose I became the teacher's pet (unintentionally of course), this often cause more ridicule from the other kids. But despite all the good things that came from that school, it wasn't enough for me to break through the smoke screen.

After a few years, Dave left the school and returned to Australia. I was never so unhappy to lose a teacher. In the years I remained at that school, two more teachers came to teach our class. It of course wasn't the same. Neither of them had what Dave did. After a while I started into slump. I ate a lot. I felt bitter. I wouldn't take tests, and hide them in my desk. I couldn't follow what was going on around me. Finally my mom decided to take me out of school all together.

At first I was angry. I felt I already came this far, might as well finish with it. But it wasn't all bad. My class still wanted me to come back for the 8th grade play, for which I had a lead role. But after that, I was gone.

Home-schooling at first seemed pretty bad. I was home a lot. I felt I had lost all my old friends and wasn't making new ones. I gained quite a bit of weight. The only comfort I had was not having to worry about dealing with people, not having to worry about being normal. How can anybody know that I wasn't normal if they couldn't see me or talk to me right?

But I was depressed. My younger sister, Debbie, was going to public school and playing softball and was bringing friends around the house ALL the time! I saw what I was missing. I knew it when I heard her yell at mom "It's not MY fault that she doesn't have any friends!" I had to climb out of the hole I was continuing to dig. But I had no idea where to start. So my mom suggested that I join a theatre group. The thought at first terrified me. Sure I loved theatre and LOVED acting and singing, but was I really any good? How could I just put myself out there like that? What if I tried and failed? Even so, I thought if I didn't try I would never know how it would turn out. There was a youth theatre group where I already knew some other kids from the softball league. So against my comfort level I decided to sign up for their production of "The Wizard of Oz". It was there that I met Delilah.

After that, it was almost like the invisible wall was beginning to crumble. Delilah was so amazing and funny and I was always having fun when I was with her. After making a loosing so many childhood best friends, there was NO way I was letting her go. We remain best friends to this day. It was the time I spent in that theatre group where I feel I was coming out of the shell and my slump. I was losing weight, I was happy, I had more people to talk to, and for once I didn't feel so afraid to talk! I learned to laugh at myself and let others laugh with me. I discovered that when I was on stage I had no fear.

By this point I was home schooling through high school and I had started to appreciate what it breeze it must be compared to public schools. But by junior year I knew there were going to be things that other kids were experiencing that I couldn't. There really wasn't much of a dating pool in home schooling. I always hated it when my mom would try to push the dating thing. She wanted me to ask out this guy I met through my high school drama class (yes there were some actual classes in the program), trouble was 1, I didn't like him and 2, he was gay!!!

But needless to say I was still incredibly shy and didn't want to be helped unless I asked. But mom insisted I join the yearbook staff my senior year. Turns out it could have been a great idea because thats where I met Chrissy and my first boyfriend, Wallie. I only say "it could have been" because Wallie turned out to be a religious prude and Chrissy and I are at this point not really speaking. But still it was an experience that help shape into who I am today.

So who am I?

Ask me that now and I'm not sure if I could give you a complete answer. Am I still the shy, bitter, socially retarded child with low self image? Not so much. Outwardly, I can be everything that a 24 year young woman should be. Confident, talkative, funny...even pretty. Like I said at the beginning not many people believe me when I tell them I have autism. Sometimes I have a hard time believing it myself.

But inwardly...I can still feel it, trying to come back out. Sometimes are more difficult to hide it. Instead of talking out my problems, sometimes i just want to kick and scream. I'll cry at night about the same damn problem.

I feel that as far as I've come, I might never fully get through the smoke screen.

am I ok?

Sometimes I find myself wishing a lot of things. Typical things that all young girls think they should wish for. I'll sometimes wish that thinner, toner, prettier, smarter...or that I just knew what to do.

I hate not wanting to be me. At least physically. Inwardly I believe myself to be someone worth while, usually. I may believe I am in body. I even believe I'm really beautiful at times. I'm not sure what changes. heh maybe water weight. But I guess everyone feels down on themselves from time to time. I just wish that I had the discipline or will power that my friends do.

But its not just my body. Sometimes I wonder if my Mom is right about me not having much drive to do things. Or if I really do push people away or cut people out of my life so easily. Chrissy doesn't even consider me a best friend anymore. I guess I haven't thought of her that way for some time either, but deep down it still hurts. She's hurt me pretty bad. She'd say it was Brandon's fault. But she didn't even try to give him a fair shot. I know Brandon may not be everyone's favorite person, but he's not loathed by all. Chrissy was the only one of my close friends that had a problem. Delilah had no issues with him. SHE is a best friend!

There are so many things I'd like to say to Chrissy. But more than anything I think I'd like to prove to her...and to everyone that I can make the right decisions for myself. I want to prove that I can make it! I know what I really want to do now and for ONCE I want to do it my way. I want to go to a career college, so I can get certified and start working. I'm just so tired of school. I've tired of it since 7th grade.

I always hated how it seemed that everyone else knew EXACTLY what they wanted to do and what they had to do to get there. Mom, Pops, Chrissy and so many others...giving what they all thought was the best advise "Do this", "Try that", "You have to do this" or "You do it like that!" Because I don't know what's right for me huh?

I hate feeling like I'm behind. I don't want to feel that anymore. I don't want to try to see through that smoke screen anymore, I want to get past it!

But I still need help...

I don't want it.

I just need it.

Just...tell me it's all ok. That I'm ok....

Debbie

Ever hated somebody so much that it really hurts?

I thought I only hated one person that way. That one person violated me when I was 19. Understandable how I could hate them right?

Well turns out there is one other person who I truly hate. And it hurts me even more...

My sister.

My younger sister Debbie has hurt me more times then I can count. She has been lying and stealing from me and my parents for the past few years. She'll steal anything that could be of value to her. She taken money, clothes, shoes, make-up, hair products, perfume, my digital camera and most recently my classic film SLR camera which was a gift from my Mom's best friend. I've cried over it all so many times.

What hurts me the most is that she REALLY doesn't care! She thinks that so long as she doesn't get caught, it doesn't matter. She doesn't think about how much she is hurting me or our family. Its like she thinks she's entitled to these things, which of course is bullshit.

Everyone keeps telling me to lock up my things in the trunk of my car. But see there is a problem, I have WAY too many things to lock up and I NEVER know what she is after! Plus why should I have to lock all my things up? SHE'S the one who should be locked up!

I know its not their intension but whenever I talk about Debbie's stealing everyone ALWAYS asks "why haven't you locked up your things in your car?" like its MY fault! I HATE it!

The thing is I can't! I have too many things! What am I supposed to do? stuff ALL my clothes and shoes in the trunk? Lock up my laptop in the car? My cameras? Hair products? EVERYTHING??? I CAN'T!!!!! Think about this! Things like that WILL get ruined if left in the car for too long. I can't keep going in and out of my house to my car all the time just to search for something I need, its ridiculous!

The only other solution is to get a good lock for my door, but my Dad keeps stalling! I can't understand what's so hard in finding a lock for my bedroom door! If he had left it up to me, it would have been done already and I may still have a lot of the things that Debbie has stolen (especially the film SLR). Ian would have helped me set up a good lock! I don't see why we can't just do it ourselves. Its like my dad is worried about how it will look or something. Stupid.

Debbie should have been kicked out a long time ago. It is obviously she is caught in a downward spiral, and her being here certainly isn't helping ANYONE including herself! She needs to be kicked out! Maybe then she could actually appreciate how easy she has it! I mean she's not working, she's not even going to school! All she does is lay around, eat and go out with friends. Which is why she is as fat as a whale, because she's such a slob. Of course because she doesn't do any work, she is constantly asking me and my parents for money. Even if I have the money I ALWAYS say no. No exceptions, I don't care what its for. She can starve for all I care! After what she's put us through its what she deserves. My parents will usually give into her. This is why she ALWAYS will ask again, because if she nags them long enough, she knows she'll get what she wants. I think also the reason why they indulge her is because they figure if they don't give her money, she'll just find a way to steal it. Maybe that much is true, but she cannot get a nickel out of me!

Of course I feel like the fool because there are times when she just cries like she's realized how much she's hurt us. She promises she will change. Hell rehab couldn't change her! I'm now coming to the conclusion that Debbie will always be Debbie. She's never going change.

I'll tell you one thing is for sure. When I move out, I don't care if I NEVER see her again. If she even THINKS about knocking on my door because she needs a place to sleep after my parents finally kick her out, she can forget it! She can sleep out in the rain.

Some people say that blood is thicker than water and you should ALWAYS be there for your sibling. Well she's had more than enough chances to redeem herself. Now, as far as Im concerned, she's on her own. I can only have my heart broken so many times and I'm tired of it being by her.

I'm done.

~IrishEyes

Growing Thoughts

I've been wanting to write for the last few days and have had so many thoughts yet I'm finding it difficult to get it down on paper. Its amazing what stories and characters flood through my mind yet I don't have the words to get them out! But at least they don't leave. Whenever I imagine a character I like, they pretty much stick. Maybe they just need time to grow and evolve in my mind before I can get them on the page. Like how a baby grows in the womb, they wont survive unless they've been there long enough.

Ian and I have been doing a lot of talking lately. I feel that talking to him releases a lot of my built up tensions. He has a real gift. If there is ever a time where I REALLY need somebody to talk to, he is always there ready to listen. "Couch time" we call it. This is why I will often call him my "therapist". Come to think of it, I also refer to him as my "Sensei" being there is always something new to learn that he can teach me.

Unfortunately he is having troubles of his own. I can only imagine what he must be feeling. I can only hope that I can offer him any of the comfort he gives me all the time!

Its interesting. Despite what Ian and our other friends tell me, I still can't help but wonder what it is I have done to gain such an awesome circle of close friends. It still blows my mind because I never used to find myself to be a particularly special person. I say "used to" because there are some days where I feel I'm on top of the world and am an amazing person (particularly when I'm with my friends). But back in the days of my childhood, I never seriously found myself amazing at all. I was average at best, if not dull.

So what has changed? Have I changed? Sure. But could it really be that much? What do Ian, Didi, Brandon and Jessie REALLY see in me? Even my Best friend Delilah, whom I've kept the longest of all my bests, sometimes I wonder what it is about me that she loves so much. I guess they have all told me many times, thousands of times even. So why hasn't it sunk in yet. Why is it so hard for me to just believe it? Why are we always so quick to believe the insults instead of the compliments?

Because of the Golden rule perhaps. I was always told its either say something nice, or nothing at all. Maybe I'm just used to being around genuine people yet. Can't say that Chrissy was a huge help in that department, considering that she would choose her stuck up bitch of a best friend over me, or ditch me for her boyfriend.

That's Just another one of those things that I probably spend too much time thinking about.

Anyway...I've rambled a great deal. That's another thing about writing late at night, my mind if FILLED with thoughts, but they all get so jumbled together because I'm sooo tired...

I GOT NEW SHOES TODAY!!! lol another one of Ian's awesome ideas.

Ok on that happy note. I shall say Goodnight.

~IrishEyes

Heartbreak

When I was in the 5th grade I had a huge crush on a boy in my class. Looking back on it now I don't think there was any real reason why I liked him, other than the typical "he was the cutest boy in school". My friends and I all had a huge thing for him, almost forming a fan club, sharing thoughts and writing bad poetry! It went on all the way till 8th grade. I never told him how I felt. At the time I thought I was feeling love.

I didn't know a damn thing.

I had no idea how painful it really was, to care for somebody so much but not have those feelings returned. Not until recently have I known the agony. All because I fell for somebody who would become one of my best friends.

Its a pain unlike anything I ever felt. Never in the past relationships I've ended did I feel anything this sharp and so deep.

Sometimes it doesn't seem so bad, sometimes I'm even happy that he's still a big part of my life. But other times (like today) I feel as though I may die of it. Die of heartbreak. And I seriously wonder how he would feel if I did. Would it matter? Do I matter?

I know he cares about me to a point. But what's so hard is knowing that it can only be so much, and not the way I want. Sometimes being physically close to him can be torture. He'll be sitting close enough where I can smell him, and all I want to do is lay my head on his chest and take it all in, never moving. And I would be content just like that. But I can never allow myself to get that close. That would be too much for him coming from me. He doesn't like being close to anyone. As if it makes his skin crawl! It's almost offensive.

But what's worse is knowing that he has gotten close with other girls. So I almost can't help but take it personally. Its not about him not wanting to be with anyone, its that he doesn't want ME.

It has actually only been really difficult in the last few weeks, but not so much when we're together. When Im with him, I can't help but feel happy, especially when he makes me laugh. Its been well over a year since we discussed our feelings, and I don't think I ever really had a cry about it. However today I wept bitterly. I really wanted to scream and kick like a disturbed child. I wasn't even sure what I was so angry or sad about. Until I remembered the dream I had last night.

He and I were talking in a bookstore, I felt so angry at him, but cried as I held him as tightly as I could and he embraced me. But then he said "You know you will have to let go eventually." I wasn't sure if he meant physically or emotionally but I had the sinking feeling he meant both.

I woke up feeling hurt and alone. And that hurt followed me all day.

I keep trying to prepare myself for the day another woman comes into his life. It'll come, I know it will. And I feel that when it does, I might have to disappear. I'm not sure how I could take it. No matter how much I try to tell myself and prepare for it, I can never know how it'll effect me. And of course it kills me because I feel almost powerless when it comes to searching for other men, because no other man is good enough according to him! Yet he has the freedom to go about and screw whoever he wants if he chose to do so!

But I've never been able to express any anger towards him. Never.

I love him. If only he really knew and could appreciate it.

~IrishEyes

Looking at the Future

I always envied the people who, from even a young age, always knew what they wanted to in life and manage to make it happen for them. They kind of made it seem simple. I know that the reality of all is that you have to work hard to get you where you want to go. But if its for something you really really want, doesn't that make it all the more easier because you are working towards something you love? I always hoped so.

I never knew for sure what I wanted. Never in my entire life. Nothing that would guarantee me work anyway, or what some people would call "realistic". I wanted to be an artist as a child. But I got older I was brought to think thats not really the wisest choice since lots of art isn't REALLY appreciated until the artist is dead. Yeah, good plan. I could work for disney in animation and stuff, but I feel I would have to start completely over in my schooling. It takes years just to get close to the company. I also feel I have the patience. Drawing makes me happy, but if I have to do to meet up to other expectations...no I'd rather not.

But what else could I do? I am good on the stage. I love to sing and dance and act. But so does every other girl. Many of which are probably more talented and prettier than me and even THEY cannot get work. Its extremely difficult. It's all about the right place in the right time...with the right agency. I would love to try pursue that when I actually have the TIME!

That is another problem that I face. TIME. I feel that while I am still in school, I cannot take the proper steps towards my career. I feel that if I just did not have school to worry about, then I would be ALL OVER the place career hunting. Because then I wouldn't worry about how to negotiate my time with classes.

But what would be my ideal job?

Honestly. I just want to write, photograph and perform. But again, those are difficult fields to master enough to make money. Writers have a difficult time getting a publisher, photographers need a lot of training and advertisement and performers have a long audition process. Go figure. Its not impossible though. And slowly, I am trying to work up to it. Unfortunately I don't seem to be working fast enough for some. My mother.

My mother only had two things in mind for her future: Marriage, and Babies. When she was 22 she got engaged to first husband and was married by 23(my present age). In this marriage she had my sister, Brittany. Things weren't so bad for Mom until she realized that her choice in husband was a complete mistake! But she got smart, divorced the douche-bag and took custody of my sister. I'm not even sure if the man even fought for his kid. Too lazy I suppose. Anyway, so here is my Mom, college drop out with a baby to care for. She was able to fend for herself well enough until she met another man who was destined to me my wonderful father. He married her and cared for her and my sister, then they had me and we were perfect. Then they had my little sister and then we weren't so perfect....but I'll get into that another time.

So basically, after that my Mom didn't have to worry about a thing! My Pops had a good career and was able to take good care of all of us. She never had to work. Hell she didn't even finish college till after I got started.

But here I am, on the bridge of 24, just figuring out new paths to take and according to Mom, my time is running out! If I am going to do anything and not worry, I have to find a man to take care of me! Now, I am not at opposed to the idea of marriage. When done right, I think its wonderful. I would love to find somebody who would care so much for me. But I don't want them to have to take care of me all the time. Its supposed to be a partnership, you take care of each other! I hate to think that I can't take care of myself first. I want to be able to get out on my own, have my own place, learn what it feels like to be by myself and taking responsibility for myself before I even think of taking care of somebody else or them of me! In ways my mom understands that but I don't think she believes it. Why? Because according to her I don't have drive to do anything. I feel like I do. I might need a little shove or encouragement but I KNOW I can.

So what stops me?

Fear. That's really the only thing. I am terrified. I may not seem that way outwardly but I am not always as confident as I may look. I cried on my high school graduation day for God's sake!

Also, I feel I don't always have the right encouragement. Not from my family. My friends have ways of telling me what I need to hear without the bullshit and without me feeling sorry for myself. I'm not sure how they do it, but they do. My family? My dad tries his hardest. Especially since he knows I am so like him, he actually understands, but he's not always around or in a mood to talk. Mom, she thinks she's being encouraging but its much more overbearing. Even if I tell her about what I want to do she immediately goes into an argumentative mode with a "This is what I was TRYING to tell you" or "Why didn't you think of this BEFORE?!" sound with whatever she says.

Sometimes I think she wishes I was more like her, or like Brittany.

But I love not being like them. I like being like my dad, and like my Grandma on my mother's side. I like me. I like me everyday. Maybe not all day everyday. It may just take me a little while longer, but I know that eventually, I'll get where I need to go.

~Like the tiny stream trying to pass the stone blocking its path. With time, the water will wear down the hardest rock and will one day make it to the big river.~

~IrishEyes

Sex deprived!

I had a dream that I was the main attraction of some sort of sex auction/performance art in what resembled a swap meet. I was on a sort of platform in the middle of the walkway where people can either stop and watch or pass by. I had a clipboard with names on those who were bidding and paying to have sex with me. There were a couple of names and I remember thinking "Great, I've made a profit today!"

Then my ex-boyfriend came onto the scene, and we were just about to go at it on the platform when I woke up all hot and bothered.

Despite having satisfied my needs with my battery operated bliss that very night before sleeping, I knew by that dream that what I'm really missing is the real thing. While I enjoy very much being single, I realized that one of the beauties of a relationship is that you are likely to take part in some sort of sexual activity with your partner at some point during the week. And thats what I need. Somebody who is obligated to sleep with me...well not obligated, he'd have to WANT to! But you get the idea.

I know now, it has been too long since I've had sex. And unfortunately, being a woman, it wouldn't be wise to just hop in bed with anyone who happens to be available for the night. Despite how times have changed, in the long run it is still unacceptable for a woman to have sex like a man! I HATE that double standard! Women have needs too ya know?

Its times like this that I wish I had a decent fuck buddy. That way I can keep it on the down low and without the complications of a relationship, no muss, no fuss. Oh don't get me wrong, I am not at all opposed to being in a relationship. But lets face it, I have never been able to hold on to a guy for longer than 8 months. So needless to say, I have yet to have a very successful one. The only real success I have with men are my companionships with Brandon, Ian and Jessie.

Oh well...for now I suppose I'll have to deal until somebody worthy comes along. Even if I want to I can't go and hump just anybody. I am worth far more than that!

...stupid boys and their stupid boy penises!

Abortion

I know...it's such an ugly word. Nobody wants to hear it let alone think about it. But its there, whether we agree with it or not.

Pro Choice. That's where I stand. I'll just make that clear now.

I could go on and on about frustrations with the pro lives. They don't once think of the woman who is forced to carry this baby that she's probably not ready to have. "But there is always adoption" they say.

Can you imagine, you are a young woman, carrying a tiny thing that eventually becomes a baby inside you for 9 months? Feeling it kick, turn, knowing its now hearing your voice and getting to know you. You're bonding with it. Now think about finally bringing that child into the world. Chances are, by then, you are NOT gunna want to let that baby go and lots of girls end up keeping them, even when they're not ready.

Some young girls parents actually force their daughters to have these children as a punishment for getting pregnant (or just having sex) in the first place! That isn't fair for the girl OR their child. No child deserves to be born under such horrible circumstances which brings me to my next point. Rape.

Does anyone really think that a rape victim should be forced to carry and give birth to the child of her rapist? Its unthinkable! If a woman decides that it is some blessing in disguise then power to her, but that is not often the case.

Another thing that I can't stand is MEN trying to tell a woman what she can and can't do with her body. Of course this is nothing new. We've been dealing with this bullshit since year 1 and it needs to STOP! Call me a feminist, I do NOT hate men, I just hate what some men do! If a man tells ME not get an abortion and care for a baby that I can't have, lets see him try it.

People who are pro life argue that life begins at conception. Well scientifically we know that's just not factual. They next argue that they are thinking of the life of the child because abortion is murder. Now this is where the live gets thin. For me, if you're going to get an abortion, the sooner the better! I am one of many who finds it disgusting when one waits to long to get it. But it still doesn't scream murder. And I don't believe in non abortion being child saving. We are over populated with unwanted children who don't stand much of a chance of getting adopted! They grow up with abandonment issues, often getting into trouble as they get older. How is this saving them exactly? Some babies born don't even make it that far. Some just wind up in the trash...literally. I'm not being cruel, thats just something that happens sometimes.

Another problem I have with people is when they think that women who get abortions are loose and just don't care. They can't be further than the truth. Even the most liberal free spirited woman doesn't want to have make that kind of decision. Its probably the most difficult decision we'll ever make in our lives. Either way, to have the child, or not have it, it changes you. You don't just walk out of the clinic and forget about it. You NEVER forget, whether its going on in your own mind or people don't let you forget it. Even when its the right decision, some women often wonder and question themselves.

Kids and adults need to get real. The kids need to realize the risks they are taking by having sex in the first place, or fantasying about being young parent. Adults need to get real on dealing with young people and what we're teaching them.

If we don't want to worry about having to deal with abortion in the first place, then maybe we need to step up the game about not getting pregnant. NO!! I DON'T mean STRENGTHENING ABSTINENCE! True, while abstinence is the only for sure way never to get pregnant or STDs, we cannot issue that as the only option and we can never expect people to use it. This really all smacks down to people making sex a taboo subject to talk about. That is what we NEED to work on. Not pointing figures (and guns) at abortionist! Instead, why not take care of what's going on in your own personal lives?

In the long run, people just need to better educate themselves and stop letting their personal fear lead their lives and try to lead others.

I hope I got my point across. Nobody likes to think about it. But sooner or later many of us HAVE to. If the day to make that decision never comes to you, thats wonderful. You are either very careful or just fortunate. But if it comes to you or somebody else, be sure you are making the right decision for YOU, and not for anyone else's comfort or religion.

~IrishEyes

Something Special

So I was having a conversation with Brandon tonight and I realized how incredibly open we really are when it comes to us, our friendship and our own personal lives. Even though I'm sure we both have things we prefer to keep to ourselves, I can think of very little that he and I can't or actually haven't talked about. I mean we talk about nearly everything! Our favorite music, favorite movies, past times, hobbies, childhood, family, religion, politics, loves, hates, even past relationships and highlights of sex life. Seems pretty extensive and very personal no?

Honestly, this would actually shock some people. My sister and Mother kind of find this friendship hard to believe because SOMEBODY (I dunno know who but I want them dead) claims that a male and female (both heterosexual) cannot be just friends, there is always something else involved. I'm sure by now, you all know I think that's bullshit. I mean Brandon and I pretty much break every traditional friendship law.

Truth be told, I don't think my Mom likes Brandon very much. Kind of the same bullshit he gets from a lot of people. To them he comes off as an asshole. When it comes to my family and friends who might think that way, it hurts me because thats a shot at my judgement of character. My mom thinks her judgment is right up top but I'm afraid she's not seeing the whole picture. Instead of seeing that I am happy being friends with Brandon, she insists thats its only temporary and I'll one day wake up, 40 and alone and realized that I have nobody because I wasted it all on guy friends aka Brandon. Because he is what's wrong with the world right?

But like I said, what he and I have isn't exactly something that fits into what people call the normal mold. But I love it. I also enjoy the time I've been spending with Ian lately. Although, even with him my sister was suspicious something was going on *eye roll*.

But back to where I was originally going. Talking to Brandon, I couldn't help but think about what a difference there is between our generation and our parents. I kept wondering to myself, did my Mom ever have similar conversations being with male OR female friends? By the way my mom acts, it sounds like it would have been unheard of! My parents didn't even like the idea of me buying tampons in front of guys, let alone talk about such personal subjects. When I think about it, its really kind of sad. That most people can't be so open with each other seems very uptight. I'm not saying that everyone should go about sharing their personal lives with EVERYONE they meet, not at all. I just think that everyone should have somebody that they can share so much with. Or better yet, a couple of people, with different view points, like Ian and Brandon.

But I have to say I am one of the lucky ones. Not everyone can have guys that will literally act retarded just to make you laugh when you feel like shit. Nope. Thats all mine! lol

Just thought I'd share that. They are really what make my present life quite amazing. If you are so lucky to find that kind of companionship, value what you've found. I'll be holding on to mine as long as I possibly can. They sure as hell ain't gunna lose me!

~IrishEyes

Spring 2010

Well as the week has gone on, things have been better. We've all been able to hang out as a group last night and Jessie seems more like his old self. He and I still haven't talked about what actually happened between us but I'm not going to try so hard anymore. I really shouldn't push it. If really wants to talk, he'll have to bring it up himself. I'll just leave the whole thing alone for now, Lord knows I'm tired of talking about it and I'm sure everyone else if sick of hearing about it.

In other news, classes are going very well. I am thoroughly enjoying my stage movement and combat class. We're learning basic moves with swords. Didi and I had already decided to become partner's in the final. Its funny because our teacher hasn't even touched on the final assignment instructions, but we want to get ahead so it can be perfect for the end of the semester. We decided on a farce. As much as I would love to do something romantic/dramatic, it would require much more time and thought than maybe possible to give, plus a male partner (*wink*). In any case, Diana and I already know we work well together and can come up with something hysterical, beautiful, sexy and smart. I always wanted to do a fight scene in lingerie!

Brandon and Ian are working on their final together and knowing the two of them and how they both think, its going to be so fucking amazing that I'll be jealous! I hope that at some point, whether it be for a class or a project of our own, I'd like perform and scene with Ian and Brandon. Ian and I had talked about this before. I would love to see how we'd bounce off each other. I actually hope to put a video project together eventually. Still have to work with some of the casting (I have got parts for Ian, Brandon and Jessie in mind) but my vision is pretty hilarious. It's just a matter now of getting my hands on the script and once everything is in order, to get permission to use the green room of the Theatre :) I would play a minor part in the film of course, but for the most part, I will be behind the camera and for the first time really directing. I never really thought about directing before. So far the only kind I've really done was direct the subject whom I was photographing. Never really directed a play before. So this would be a fun little project for me. Problem is at the moment that I've told too many people about it and they expect to be IN it when I only have a limited number of roles. I know that my friend Megan was kinda pissy about not being casted in it when I asked for her help with the filming. But there was no official plan yet! And there is something she needs to understand, she is not that great of an actress. The only role I could cast her in is the one I want to play. I want everything to be accurate and there really isn't any other female part she could fit in to.

Hm...Megan. There is a lot to discuss about her.

I think I found my subject for next time...

~IrishEyes

Damnit Jessie!!!! Part 2

So yes, I said I'd continue the story. I didn't realize till after I had finished the first blog, on how long it was. But we left off at the beginning of the current semester...

I hadn't heard from Jessie in a while and everyone was wondering what was going on in his brain. I had been conversing with Ian a lot, who has been acting as my therapist for quite some time. Talking to Ian always had a way of calming me down and getting me to think clearly. Its actually awesome how he and Brandon bounce off each other! Put me a room with the two of them and I am in utter bliss, I swear! Anyway, so basically Ian acts as the mutual party when it comes to Jessie and tries to make a clear path for us since Jessie actually confides in Ian too.

Unfortunately things weren't gunna go as smoothly as we thought. Ian, at one point, actually thought he had everything solved and assured me that talking to him should be easy now that Jessie informed him on what was going on. Well I was skeptical. I thought what Ian was telling me was too good to be true. So I waited a few days and then I decided enough was enough. I called Jessie. When he answered I got straight to the point - "Have you noticed that you and I haven't had a proper conversation in like...forever?" I asked.

"Actually, I've been wondering about that myself." He said.

Oh really? I thought. Basically I asked him if he was ok and if something was wrong. I expected Jessie to come right out with it. But...for some reason...he decided to play dumb with me.

"No, I really have no idea. I mean we haven't talked in a while, I've been busy with a lot of shit lately. I thought maybe you might need some space..." he said.

"Why would I need space?" I asked. I really wanted to hear his answer. I wanted him to SAY it!

"I dunno. You just seemed like you needed space." Jessie said.

BULLSHIT!

I knew right then that he was pussyfooting around! At this point, I had a pretty good idea of the conversation going on between him and Ian. I knew that Jessie knew, felt and thought a LOT more than he was letting me know! Hell he was pretty much LYING to me!

I wasn't really angry about the whole situation before, but because he wasn't being honest with me, I felt pretty angry and hurt. I told him that if there was ANYTHING up to tell me. But he kept insisting that he didn't know or couldn't figure out what was wrong. It was beyond me.

The next Monday when I picked up Brandon, I decided to confide in him and told him what was going on. Naturally, he thought it was bullshit too. I pretty much laid it out for Jessie and he STILL avoided the subject. We ended up having discussion with Ian and Didi that night over dinner, during which Jessie happen to call Ian. I was anxious to hear what might be happening. Out of courtesy, Ian stepped outside with the phone and the rest of us waited. When Ian came back, I was not happy to hear what was coming.

Apparently, when I called Jessie, he felt that I was not being entirely honest to HIM! For a moment I was in shock. WHAT? The man had little to NOTHING to say and I was the one who wasn't being entirely HONEST! WTF???? I could feel my blood start to boil! Ian, actually had to take my phone away to keep me from calling Jessie and yelling at him right then! I was furious!

I didn't feel right for the rest of the evening. The others assured me that this wasn't my fault and also assured me that they knew I was trying to resolve this but Jessie was being incredibly stupid and what he was doing was not helping himself in ANY way.

This has pretty much been the topic of conversation among our group to this day.

Yes...a month later and this still isn't resolved. Jessie has hardly made the effort to contact Brandon, which is REALLY unlike him, for they're supposed to be best friends. My frustrations have only grown. This past weekend has been difficult because Jessie had agreed to meet up with me last Saturday but bailed at the last minute which hurt. Of course by now I am very tired of the whole thing. I've just about had it. But then something interesting happened.

Jessie picked me up yesterday afternoon and took me to lunch. Had it not for the subject on my mind this would have been fairly normal. But something was off. He paid for lunch and bought me a bar of my favorite chocolate. Again, this wasn't unusual for Jessie, but it didn't feel right. It wasn't the same. I felt that this was a ploy to get me forgive him...a silent apology. Whether it was for Saturday night or for the whole ordeal I wasn't sure. Even when I tried to talk about it with him, he still played innocent and dodged the subject. I gave up on it. It wasn't an unpleasant time, but it left me feeling somewhat empty and mentally exhausted.

Again, Brandon, Ian, and I had a talk this afternoon which was continued on later tonight with Didi. They knew I gave it my fair shot. But told me not give up completely. I really do not want to lose Jessie, I've already lost enough friends last year. I would hate to think that my friendship with Jessie was in jeopardy, but by the way things are going, its going to be difficult for things to be the same again. It still floors me how Brandon and I can talk about me really liking him and it didn't change a thing between us but this...this with Jessie is just STUPID! Very high school.

Thats pretty much where the fail is at present time. Definitely carried over from last year.

I just hope that we can resolve this soon.

~IrishEyes

Damnit Jessie!!!!

Before I get back to talking about why 2009 failed. I'm going to talk about my first statement about why the fail may have carried over.

It seems like I'm having as much bad luck with friends lately as I've had good. I'm not sure why, but for some reason its like some of them just can't hold on real long. The simplest thing seems to drive them away. I don't at all admit to being the perfect friend, not by a long shot. But I try my hardest to be a good one at least. Sometimes I'm even considered great! So what's the problem? Let me tell you about it...

As I'm sure you remember from my last blog, I've mentioned how I've gotten very close to my guy friends in the past year or so. I've already talked about Brandon but there was also Jessie and more recently Ian.

Now Jessie, I've known the longest of the three. We met maybe around three years ago through mutual friends. He and Brandon actually have been friends since high school. He is the kind of guy that everybody remembers, he makes friends wherever he goes! So naturally he knows he knows about half the people in town. Can't go anywhere with him without bumping to somebody who knows him, and believe me, thats not always a good thing.

Jessie and I have gotten very close. He, Brandon and I pretty much spent all of last summer attached at the hip. Me and "The Boys". I loved it. They certainly had a way of making me feel special.

Anyway, after a while, all of our circle of friends knew of my feelings for Brandon. Not a big deal, because at least Brandon heard it from me (or rather he ventured a guess and I confirmed it). But many of our friends considered to wonder of my relationship with Jessie. Out of the two, I was more physically close to Jessie. Mostly very innocent things like leaning my head on his shoulder, linking arms as we walked, friendly hugs and things like that. Eventually it turned to laying our heads in each other's laps, holding hands and kisses on the cheek. We were both very open and felt so comfortable, I honestly didn't think twice about it. I just thought that's how we were together. Maybe I was just too innocent. Or maybe I just didn't want to see what others had already.

Jessie used to smoke quite regularly till he quit last year. I'm still not sure if I had any real influence, but I certainly politely expressed my detest for it and my concerns for his health. So imagine my happiness when he did quit. But after he did, for a while he suffered from mood swings. Nothing outrageous, or loud. He would just get very quiet and moody. Sometimes he would take off early leaving the rest of us to hang out. This carried on for a few months, which is to be expected with withdrawals. But soon some of us started to wonder if it was from other things. I wondered what was really going through his head.

From what I can make right now, he must have liked me more than I thought. Jessie was always a very openly flirtatious guy, so many girls often mistook him for liking them. I am kind of that way too so I just assumed it was the same for me, that we were just openly flirty but nothing serious. But I never could tell for sure, he always said that he could never say 'No' to me. It seemed like if I ever wanted or needed something, he'd be there to grant my every wish. Not that I ever asked for much.

So we carried on, and when anyone would ask me what was going on, I'd simply say "Nothing. We're just friends." Most reactions were the same "Ah I see. You make a cute couple though!"

I have to admit, I often wondered if we really would make a nice couple. Jessie was of course very cute and funny and loyal. But could I ever see him as more than a friend? But then I would think deeper and remember... as much as I might love Jessie, I would always love somebody else more...Brandon.

I've realized that I could never date Jessie having already fallen for his best friend. It would be too much! Too weird. Despite all the encouragement I seemed to be getting from our friends, I just couldn't see the two of us happening.

Once I figured that much out for myself, I would always drop the hints to Jessie whenever he would tease me about the two of us getting married and making babies. I agree he will one day make an awesome dad, but not for my children. I would tell him how much I would love for him and Brandon to be part of my wedding, how I would want them to give me away if for some reason my father couldn't (heaven forbid!). But he would continue to make the jokes about how he'd be the one I marry. Got almost tiring. Even annoying.

It was getting close to New Years eve, and I wanted to go to a party and do it right this year, but I wasn't comfortable going alone. Brandon already had plans out of town for the night so I asked Jessie if he would like to accompany me to a party with some people from school. He agreed after some persuasion, again making jokes about how I "owe" him. Please, what did he have to complain about? I was the one who'd be driving around on New Years eve.

That was another thing that bugged me about him, he always had an excuse not to drive! Granted his car is a piece of shit that's older than he is, but whatever.

Anyway, so we make it to the party and there are a few people there we'd rather not see but for the most part we've had an amazing time. Since it was still early I had a drink, just enough to tide me over but still be good to drive by the end of the night. Jessie went off to play beer pong. Bad Idea. I spent most of the evening with my girlfriend, Didi. She wasn't drinking that night since she just got over the flew, so it was nice having somebody to talk to that wasn't hammered. But since I wasn't keeping tabs on Jessie, I wasn't aware of how much he was drinking...

Around 11:30p.m. we were all sitting and laughing and talking about New Years resolutions and then the topic came up about the New Years kiss tradition. I myself have never been in a relationship around New Years so I've never taken part in that tradition. I never cared for the idea, just seemed like another reason for single girls to feel sorry for themselves. Of course, Jessie being Jessie, he was being very flirtatious and even offered to kiss me. I laughed thinking he was teasing and agreed thinking that it would be one of our friendly pecks. Even when he hinted about his genuine feelings I had to smile and laugh. Why am I so naive?

So its 10 till and we switch on the patio t.v. to watch the ball drop (...) Jessie's standing next to me and for some reason I felt a tad uneasy, like something was going to happen. I brushed it aside telling myself "Of course something is going to happen! Its a NEW YEAR! The END of FAIL! 2010 is gunna ROCK!" Then came the countdown. By 10 we were all in it together...

"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!"

I felt like I was being swept away. I turned to Jessie and next thing I knew we were kissing! It may have gone on for about 30 seconds. Now to some this may seem like a highly romantic scenario. Girl falls for the best friend and doesn't know it till they kiss ushering in a new year! ---Ok let me just say right now that that ONLY happens like that in the MOVIES!!! And I am NOT a blushing bride in a Chick Flick!

Honestly? Even though it wasn't bad, there was nothing there for me. Kissing Jessie didn't give me the buzz! When I really like somebody, kissing them makes feel I could plant my feet down on hot coals and never take a step if it meant I could stay so close. Hell even just sitting next to Brandon made me feel such things. But Jessie. I just couldn't. The feeling wasn't there. Although I found myself wishing that I could feel that way, if it would make him happy.

After that, everything pretty much went as it should. Some of us even carried out what will be MY New years tradition: Running down the neighborhood street calling out "Happy New Year" for all the world to hear! We left the party shortly after and stopped by Didi's family gathering before heading home. Jessie was my last drop off. I was a little afraid he'd try to kiss me again. He still wasn't sober, and I had no idea what was running through his cloudy mind. Thankfully though, my feel was needless. He bid me goodnight and told me to drive safe then got out of the car.

I had hoped that this meant that tonight wasn't a huge deal and that could just get on with our lives. So I drove home and didn't think much more about it. After that, I didn't hear much from him. The only time we hung out was when we were in a group with Ian and Brandon. And even then we didn't talk much. At first it wasn't a big thing. I actually started to talk to Brandon about it when it was just the two of us, but decided against it, thinking I was just making more of it than I was. So then I just forgot all together. Of course I should have known that the whole damn thing would come back to bite me in the ass once school started up again.

Spring Semester, 2010.

Finally I'm taking a fun class with Brandon, Ian AND Didi! Jessie was supposed to join us as well but unfortunately registration continues to screw him over since he's been away from school for so long. He decided to take some time off to work, but one semester turned to two then three...you get the picture. This time around though, I was actually really frustrated with him because I felt he didn't really want to come back at all. Or else he would have been on top of things and may have been able to get back into school on time. But he gave up on the idea and told us that he was not going to be stopping by so much like last semester. It seemed like he had an excuse for everything! I was starting to wonder what it was really all about.

One day on the first week of school, Ian, Didi, Brandon and I were off campus on our lunch break. Then out of the blue, Didi asked the forbidden question "What's going on with you and Jessie?" At first I was genuinely confused. "Why?" I asked "Have you talked to him lately?"

"No, I mean New Years." she said.

I froze. Suddenly the events of that night came flooding back at once. I looked over at the boys who were eyeing me curiously. Neither of them knew about what happened that night. At this point I knew there was no chance of hiding it. I would spill it sooner or later. Might as well get it off my chest now. So I told them the story about the party, the drinking and the events leading up the the infamous kiss which apparently lasted longer than I once thought according to Didi. I was mortified. Hearing me talking about out loud made me feel like a total idiot. Why did I let it happen? I totally put myself in the situation! Whats going to happen now? Will our friends opinion of me change? The answer to the last question I pretty much got right away. Nobody blamed me for what happened. It was stupid mistake but it wasn't all on me. And I seemed to be doing a good job punishing myself. But now that I've let it out, the thing to do was to talk to Jessie about it. Wasn't sure how I was gunna pull that off, but I knew they were right.

But I knew that was easier said than done...

To be continued...