Day 6...

So yesterday was my day off...yeah right.

Oh sure, I didn't work out. But there was next to NOTHING in the house to eat! I'm already sick of fish. Waaay to early in the plan to be sick of fish. I'll have to have some chicken today.

Anyway...

So I found out the day before that the wedding I was supposed to attend was cancelled and Brandon and I had yet to figure out why. But I thought it was whatever because it meant I didn't have to rush to get dolled up after babysitting my niece and nephew who were coming over yesterday.

Long story short my 3 year old niece was driving me insane. It probably wouldn't have been so hard if I didn't have my hands full with my 9 month old nephew. But the fact that she was running around and making a huge mess and wouldn't stop talking was incredibly aggravating and I wasn't even able to come up with some sort of lunch for myself and I couldn't snack on any of the crap we had.

For a bit of salvation I called up Megan to see if she had any updates why the wedding was canceled...

Turns out our friend the groom was arrest for double homicide...yeah no kidding. So there's shock along with hunger and irritation.

I then ended up on the phone with Brandon, letting him in on the details. He ended up filling me in on a whole lot more because he had access to his computer and was able to look up more news updates. The would-be groom killed two people, and supposedly it was all for profit. I suddenly felt incredibly worn out. Brandon suggested that I come over to his house after I was through with the kids, get some time to breathe. I agreed.

But then what's interesting is that I ended up on the phone with Chrissy! Who heard the news and wanted to confirm that she wasn't just seeing things! I had to admit, it was nice talking to her.

But my mother and my older sister were taking WAY too long. I was supposed to be done by 3 p.m., so when 4:30 p.m. pasted by, my irritation was REALLY beginning to build. I wanted to go to the grocery store and get myself some supplies but NOOOO they went ahead to do it for me and they didn't get me what I asked for! Seriously!!!! Are plain Cheerios THAT much to ask! I've given up EVERYTHING else, give me my GODDAMN CHEERIOS!!!!

And of course they each have to give me their health speeches. Ya know what? Both my mom and sister are a LOT heavier than me and they want to give me health advise? I really don't care what they have to say right now, I think I know whats best for me right now.

To just add the cherry on top...when they finally came back home, they forgot my money! I didn't even get paid!!! I was so angry that I just an apple and left for Brandon's. It was around 6 p.m. by this time.

Yeah know, I never thought to be one of those people who "ate their feelings" and I still don't really but I think like many others I think I have used food as a source of comfort. Now I can't eat most of the things I love and find myself thinking about it a lot. I'm just afraid that I'm going to go crazy one day and binge out of frustration and gain 10 pounds! I don't plan on letting that happen but its certainly a fear. So far I'm already making progress...the scale says 149 lbs. I know its more about inches than numbers...but still it feels nice to see it.

~IrishEyes

Day 2...

Alright so I was totally over dramatic last night...

I kind of feel horrible for thinking that Brandon would have some sort of hidden agenda or something. I only say "kind of" because I was upset yesterday and am always hard on myself, and thankfully I didn't take my frustrations out on anybody. I think I was just being a little over emotional because it seemed like a lot of shit went down. But it really wasn't that bad.

Anyway, even though I didn't tell him last night, Brandon knew I was upset. He asked me today if I felt better because he knew something was off. We then had a little talk. I didn't need to really tell him how I was feeling. He knew. He just asked all the right questions and through that he answered mine. He told me that he was just in this to support me, and it wasn't at all about him. Its just me and what I want. He's just going to help me get there.

So needless to say, I feel tons better. Well emotionally anyway, physically I'm sore as fuck and am dreading tomorrow. I just REALLY hope that my energy lasts a hell of a lot longer. It would sure be nice if I could at LEAST make a couple laps without my body crapping out on me! But like I said before, Brandon is not going to be as easy on me, I don't think he'll let me walk. Thats fine, I need the push, but OMG I really hope I don't try to kill him...

Its bad enough that my legs are killing ME right now...

Oh well, after tomorrow I wont have to run again until Saturday! lol joy...

~IrishEyes

Day 1...

I can't help but feel slightly (or greatly) irritated.

The day started out pretty trying. I had beaten my alarm by about 3 hours and had a hard time getting back to sleep. My alarm went off at 8:00 am so I could be at the Doctors office for my appointment at 8:50.

I get there all in good time, though tired as fuck. I check in at the third floor and waiedt to be seen. Thankfully I didn't have to wait long. I figured this Pap test would be a simple "in-n-out" affair. They checked me at the scale...162 lbs. Great, like I didn't already think I was a fat-ass. Because unless my scale at home is off, then I must have gained 8-10 pounds!

I sit, they check my blood pressure, ask me the routine questions, blah blah blah, you get the picture. Then the nurse took me to the little room, told me to undress completely and put on the hospital frock. Yay...the fun part. I'll try to run this by fast, Doctor came in, did another set of routine questions and explained about the Pap and that she would guide me through the process. I'm on the table, legs propped up and spread and just when we're about to get this stupid thing going, she stops. There was too much blood. I hadn't realized that my cycle was still fairly heavy (It didn't start till thursday, the day after I even booked the appointment).

So needless to say the rest of the appointment couldn't go on which meant I spent $25 for nothing! On top of that, she sent me down stairs for a blood lab test, another $10 out of my pocket. This wouldn't be a huge deal if I hadn't just earn that exact amount of money the night before. Yay, I spent a whole night earnings on a half done pap smear!!!!

I was fucking pissed off. I didn't even bother rescheduling my appointment, I was too mad. Couldn't find the damn nurses station anyway...why couldn't I just reschedule an appointment at the fucking front desk!

Anyway, I was off to meet up with Brandon at his house to start our run. Today was day one of my diet and workout plan. We drove over to the university campus where they have a track. It was a beautiful day with a nice breeze. I thought this would be nice and take my mind off this morning. Wrong.

I started out okay, at a fairly good pace and I was able to keep up with Brandon. But about half way around the track I started to feel weary. My breathing grew heavy. Suddenly the track felt soooo much bigger and I thought "How can I possibly run 12 laps! I can't even make it half around the track!!!!" I felt weak and so embarrassed! I never wanted Brandon to ever see me like this. I wanted to just keel over and die. I tried. I kept going. Fortunately Brandon was easy on me and let me walk briskly some of the way. He knew that I hadn't trained myself to breathe correctly and it didn't help that I was running on empty (I couldn't eat before the blood test), and they had taken more blood from me than he had originally thought. I was fatigued.

I didn't quit. Quick or slow I made the 12 laps. I know it had some effect, I can feel it in my legs. But I dread our run on Wed. He said he wont let me walk next time. I just hope that I'll have more strength to pull through by then, since I'll have eaten something and my blood replenished.

Even though I was happy he was with me and wants to help me get to my goal weight...I almost can't help but feel a little upset. Its horrible that I have a complex about my weight, I'm still working on getting over it, but I wonder why Brandon is really doing this? He says I can't do it for him, I have to do this for me. Yes. But what is he trying to say? I didn't exactly ask for his help, he just sort of offered on his own. I can't help but feel that this is to feed his own ambition, or to prove something. I know its not his intention but I've never felt so fat or weak as I did today. Not all day today (it wasn't all bad) but I felt it never the less.

I'm not going to give up. If this is what it takes to stop feeling like this...then I'll get through it.

But anyway...thats my day...

~IrishEyes

Parking Lot Rage????

So yesterday I'm driving with Brandon and we decided to make a stop at Vons so I can deposit some money at the ATM. I'm driving at a safe pace for the parking lot, then I notice there is this kid walking up the MIDDLE of the road way, towards my car. Before I can bring my car to an even slower speed he bolts out of the way (as he should!), so I continue on my way. But as I pass by I hear a woman's voice shouting "Stop for him, BITCH!!!"

"Excuse ME???" I say as I turn my head to see this angry woman, crossing the road.

Ok, I understand if this kid was crossing and I just didn't stop. But this little Mo-foe, was walking straight UP the middle of the road towards my car! I'm sorry I don't fucking care if you are the pedestrian, that doesn't mean you can walk any which way you want! I certainly was NOT going to hit him, but he needs to get out of my fucking way!

God damn, woman! I couldn't believe she had the nerve to yell at me! Seriously. I know I'm totally prejudice when I say that she was probably trash, but you know what, I don't go yelling at people in the middle of a parking lot, when they really didn't do anything wrong.

Ya know I don't get what is with me and people in parking lots these days. Just the day before I had another encounter with an angry person, and in this case it REALLY wasn't my fault!

Basically the parking lot at the AMC theatre was packed. Brandon and I were only there to talk to the hiring manager to see he picked up his application. I found one close spot. It was a bit of a tight squeeze because this moron parked over the line and into MY side. No matter, my car is fairly small and I managed to get in (staying within BOTH lines lol).

Brandon and I take care of business at the theatre and when we get back, the douche was pulling out of the spot next to us, and I thought "Perfect! All the easier to get back in the car!" But as I unlock the doors and was about to get in, I see the douche behind the wheel of the pulling out car through his window, he turned his head towards me and mouthed "Asshole".

WHAT?!?!

At first I wondered if it was some stupid mistake but nope! He said it! He wasn't saying it to Brandon either, he didn't even see it! When he came down the other lane I mouthed "Fuck You!" back at him but I don't know if he saw it.

What? Was he mad that I parked next to him and it was too close??? Thats HIS fault then because he was a D-Bag and parked OVER the line! If anything I should be pissed, but I let it slide, so where does HE get off???

I know, I know, it seems like I have total parking lot rage but I never start it.

Anyway, I know I haven't been writing as regularly as I usually do. But now that finals are over and Summer vacation has begun I will be updating much more often :)

~IrishEyes

What's your fetish?

You know I love it when some people (myself included) hear the term "fetish" their minds automatically goes to some place disgusting or unusual. Like its very unsightly to have a sexual fetish, or its out of the norm. Very true, there ARE some pretty outrageous fetishes I would never care to touch or just never would have thought sexually appealing. But if you are like me and like to think outside the box and try new things in bed, chances are, you do have some sort of fetish (or paraphilia) and maybe you are not even aware of it!

Now I'm not saying that you are a closet case freak that secretly worships the human foot, but perhaps there is a part of the human body that you favor more than others and it may not even be particularly sexual, but certainly a fixation. For example, I am very fond of the neck. It is a warm, comfortable, often smooth and sensitive part of the body. Many people don't always think about the neck off the bat when talking about sex, yet I find it plays a big role in foreplay. And those who do like the neck all know that there are many different levels of "neck-play": Kissing, licking, sucking, breathing and when done right even biting. But don't immediately go Vampire on me, I don't believe in blood or hickeys.

But that is one of my fixations. I do have many others that are actually for the most part quite normal for girls to have with guys, like arms and hands. But those of course are still just body parts. The technical term for "Fetish" means a fixation on something that isn't living or part of something living.

Ok, so what about objects? Well for me, I still have yet to discover an object that alone turns me on. It probably would have to depend if a partner was using it or something. Always joked about having a panty fetish but I don't exactly believe that to be the case. Some people do however have fetishes for shoes, stockings, bras and all sorts of clothing. Believe it or not but some people are actually turned on by stuffed animals or cartoons!

As for me, like most women, I'm not so visual to get turned on by looking at something. I am more turned on by activity. At first this may seem like an obvious thing that everybody is into...I mean sex and foreplay itself is activity. True but I like to add some other things to spice it up. I personally like a man who is comfortable with dirty talk in bed. I also love to be dominated. Its probably the only time where I like being dominated by a man. Of course when I say "dominate" I mean that in fairly simple ways. I have never actually attempted bondage with belts, whips and handcuffs. But to feel the weight of a man on top of you, gripping you tightly, with a firm hand slap on the behind, its simply amazing.

I know, I know its not everyone's cup of tea. To some of you, this may actually sound laughable like how we feel about many other fetishes. To be honest I surprised myself when I discovered what is I love in sex. Ironically, what I love in sex, I hate in life. But I've actually seen that to be the case in many people. There are some hard working business men who find they liked to be babied by women, and some extreme feminists like to dominated by men. Most of this will go unknown because nobody wants anyone to know about their secret bed lives. And who can really blame them, right?

But I am convinced that unless somebody is a true "Vanilla" in the bedroom, everyone has some sort of sexual fetish or paraphilia.

Ever given it any thought?