Ignorance

I wish I could fix the world.

If I could, I would end war and famine and hunger. Every child would have a loving home and every adult could work their dream job and we'd still be able to live in harmony with nature without illness or disease. I would also end the ignorance that destroys people.

I guess when I think about it, there are many people who wish for the same things. But I can't help but wonder how many actually truly feel the same way that I do. Because if enough of us in the word felt so strongly about ending our troubles, wouldn't we have the power to truly make the change? I think we could. But the trouble is human kind is naturally selfish and afraid. We're afraid of the consequences if we stood up for what we believe in, and if enough people would follow us. For some reason we have a fear of striking out on our own. A feeling I understand all too well.

I know I can't right all the wrongs of this world by myself. Nobody wants to listen to a single idea from a single person unless they have others to back them up. Its like that song "Just one Person" that was sung on the Muppet Show, The Peanuts and by Elmo. It goes it talks about if just one person believes in you, than others will believe too. And maybe if enough people believe in you, than maybe you can start to believe in you too.

Maybe if I felt that enough people believe in me, than maybe I could try to right all the wrongs...one wrong at a time of course :)

Maybe I wont be able to single handedly end war or famine or hunger. Maybe I wont be able to give every child a loving home or give every adult their dream job. I could try to clean up the world so we can live in harmony with nature. I know I could try to rid the ignorance that destroys people...young people. I think thats the thing I want to accomplish the most. Because when you rid the ignorance in people...the other problems with eventually disappear. Because it is in ignorance is where all thats wrong with the world really begins.

I believe we can do it...but I wont be able to do it alone.

Have I lost my Muse?

I want to start writing again.

Not just in blogged and statuses.

I want to get back into the swing of the things in writing short stories. I feel like I've lost my creative ability. How is it that when I was at community college and had less time on my hands I had more of an urge to do things? Now I feel I can barely pick up and book and read it let alone try and write one. Back in high school I used to paint. Now I haven't picked up a brush in over a year. I used to draw all the time, then it switched to painting and after that it switched to writing and then it switched to music videos and blogging and now I am hardly doing that!

...what the hell is going on with me?

I don't know if its sheer laziness or that I lost my muse.

Or maybe I am just the kind of person that needs a little more of a push to get things going. After all, Brandon had to give me the right amount of encouragement to get me to workout everyday. Maybe I need to have the right encouragement for my creative mind as well. I was always writing more when I was in a class or on the newspaper. I was taking paint classes, I was in theatre workshops.

Maybe I need to get back into a class to find my own inspiration again. Its strange...I always thought that once I have my own time and plenty of it, I'd be able to do everything I dreamed of doing. I would write novels and paint masterpieces and show them to the whole world and they would love me for it. I even dreamed that I would audition for a brilliant play or musical and get the big part and that when I was done with school I would have the time for the rehearsals! But since I have finished school, all I have done was work and come home or spend time with Brandon (Not that there is anything wrong with that). But its not where I thought I'd be.

But then again. My massage license hasn't even come through yet. That was a big part of the plan because once I had that license I'd be able to make more of a more flexible schedule and make more money! Then I'd be able to take matters into my own hands and do more in my life. I've also been concentrating so hard on wanting to moving out of my parents home.

I guess there is a lot more to it.

I just don't want to become that person who used to have so much going for them and then in the end had nothing to show for it. I want to be somebody that Brandon and my parents can be proud of...someone that I can be proud of...

I'll get there. I know I will.

...I have to...

~IrishEyes~

Wedding Conversations

Apparently according to my mother I am only going to have two girls for my bridesmaids...

If that's the case my older sister is definitely NOT going to be one of them!

Let me step back a bit.

No, Brandon and I are not engaged...not yet. But we do talk about marriage from time to time, which I feel we have every right to do. We've already said that we'd love to spend the rest of our lives together and I don't see that changing any time soon. But we are also very realistic about it. We know we need to be financially stable in a decent home of our own before we'd even get engaged. A goal we are slowly working on.

Now I don't know if my mother thinks the two of us are serious. But it bothers me because I have never been in a relationship for a whole year before. Brandon and I have been together for almost 14 months. And of course as you, my dear readers, know I have been in love with him for years prior. So I don't know how Mom would think we weren't serious.

But anyway, I am also bothered that I can't even have a hypothetical conversation with my mom about marriage. I was in the shower and thinking about plans for the wedding I would love to have and making a scrapbook with pictures of what I might want for it. So naturally I was thinking about my bridesmaids and what they'd wear and I thought about how Chrissy is begging me not to make everyone wear matching dresses (apparently none matching is the trend). I get out of the shower and start drying off and I step out of the bathroom and say to my Mom "You know what I think one of the hardest things about planning a wedding would be? Bridesmaids dresses!" and the response I get from Mom "When are YOU getting married?"

Um...ok, not the response I was expecting. Then I proceed to explain about Chrissy and Mom just dismissed it as a trendy thing and said "You will probably will only have two dresses to choose." Ok how does she figure that? I have three good girlfriends Chrissy included. Does Mom seriously think that I have no friends or something? It wouldn't be the first time she made assumptions like that. She also has said that I would probably have a much smaller wedding than my sister's because I don't know as many people as she does. What a load of bullocks!

And of course I am sure she got offended when I said that when my sister was married I didn't care about wearing the same dress as the other girls and even if I did, she would tan my hide. I wasn't even being really serious but she gave me that look. Hey, I wouldn't have said it if Sis hadn't tanned my hide before. I think Mom is in denial about that, or at least thinks that I dwell on it too much. I'm sorry, but Sis had a bad temper (sometimes still does) as a pre-teen/teenager and did raise a hand to me in anger a few times, but whatever.

Anyway, I am not talking to Mom anymore about the subject, at least not till after she sees a ring on my finger. Unless she is going to take me seriously, there really is no point. It'll only leads to arguments and heartache.

~IrishEyes~

Bullying

It is my feeling that almost everyone has dealt with teasing and being made fun of in school at one time or another. I was teased and made fun of at middle school. It hurt. I cried a lot. Many times I didn't want to go back to school. But l was lucky. I had a family at home who loved me and I was a happy healthy child that wasn't so scared that I couldn't make it day to day. The teasing also wasn't malicious. It was mean but it was not heartless. For me, eventually the teasing stopped and I was able to overcome it and realize that I wasn't fat, or ugly. However I am still left with a slight complex. I still keep an eye on the mirror. I also find myself asking Brandon if I am fat every once in a while, and then I hate myself for it.

I know. It doesn't really sound lucky...not if I am still affected by it. But when I read about how so many kids and teens committed suicide over this shit makes me think that things for me could have been a lot worse. I wasn't even teased in High School, homeschooling saved me from that. But if I was, would I be worse off? Would I have felt strong enough to overcome it all? Or would I have wanted to give it all? If I knew then what I know now, I sure I would have over come it easily. I mean come on, its HIGH SCHOOL! Its not like who you are in high school has to shape you for the rest of your life. I mean if it does, that is kind of sad. But whats even more sad is those who feel so desperate to escape high school bullying that they feel they have to KILL themselves! I swear to God it makes me mad even more than it makes me sad! Suicide?! Its a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem! Don't people ever talk to these kids?

I am sorry if I come across as hard or insensitive, its just so hard to believe that anyone can think that high school is the highlight of life. I feel that if these kids had ANY idea of what wonderful things in life there is to experience after teen years, they would never even consider killing themselves. They would actually try to hang on longer.

Now is just me or has suicide ratings in teens have gone up? Brandon's dad thinks it is due to modern parenting and us telling our children at an early age that they are "special" and therefore they don't expect the teasing and are so much more sensitive about it. And I'm actually not one to disagree with that. I do believe that the changes in how we raise our children does play a big part in school bullying and teen suicide. But its not just how we raise the children who kill themselves, its how we raise the bullies. But I also think its the changes in school systems. I mean back in the day when our parents and grandparents were in school, teachers were aloud to take more action with children if they misbehaved in school. Children were more afraid of being punished and therefore knew better than to beat up on other kids. So naturally there wasn't as much bullying and therefore no suicides...not over school bullying anyway.

But I guess there really is no real way to tell. But this can't go on. What are we supposed to? What can we do for these kids?

Role Play

So Brandon and I actually tried role playing last night. It was something I always wanted to try and see if it would spice things up a bit. I suggested it almost like a joke, not sure if he would take me seriously or even wanted to try it. He just asked me who we were! Wow.

Suddenly I was very nervous. Now I had to think of a plot and I didn't want it to be too cheesy and I didn't want to us to just be embarrassed and quit half way through the play. But I had a feeling that he would take it completely seriously and therefore I should be able to do it. So I thought we'd start with something simple, something probably every girls thinks about time and again...Scene: The King and his Mistress.

I know, its not exactly original, I probably watch the Tudors too much. But it was my first time trying it and I wanted it to be something familiar to the both of us. Everybody knows how it works. The Queen has a new lady-in-waiting. She is young, vivacious, and has no interest in Catholic prayer. She catches the King's interest and he arranges her to be brought to his royal chambers...the scene continues from there.

I was actually very surprised how smoothly we fell into character. Brandon took the part and just rolled with it! It was amazing! It really wasn't even about the sex. It was just so much fun to just play a part in a scene with him. We actually took more time in the scene leading up to than the actual act itself which was very interesting. And not at all bad! There was no shame, no embarrassment, no pauses or character breaking. It just went straight through till the end. It was a lot of fun.

It's certainly not something I would expect Brandon to do every day, but its definitely something I wouldn't mind throwing in once in a while. I think it'll be fun to think of more plot and character ideas!

You should try it!

~IrishEyes~

Halloween (2007)

Horror movies.

From what I have experienced, this film genre is one that audiences either love or despise. I have never been particularly fond of them myself, and yet I find myself catching up on all the horror flicks that I have missed in my teenage years. I have only recently seen all 3 scream movies. Before that it was Nightmare on Elm street (1, 2, 3, New Nightmare & Freddy vs. Jason). Then it was the Shinning. All of those movies I found I enjoyed. They were more of the fun little scares.

Tonight however was something different.

It was the 2007 version of Halloween. I never saw the originals but Brandon thought this movie was more interesting because they gave more of a back story to the Killer, Michael. It showed him as sadistic child who hid behind a mask as he would murder small animals. I found the subject very fascinating, having studied some child psychology. But when the 10 year old murdered his school bully, his mom's boyfriend, his older sister and her lover on Halloween night, I knew that the movie was probably going to be more disturbing than I originally thought.

Its interesting because I knew Michael was a killer and this was a famous horror story. But for some reason I didn't realize how frightening this film was going to be. But Brandon also didn't bank on the movie download being the directors cut, in which were many graphic and perhaps unnecessary scenes. It was those scenes that I probably found the most disturbing...

Michael had grown into an adult locked up in an asylum. There was one guard/janitor there that was kind to him and took care of him for the past 15 years. The night watch however were a pair of redneck drunks. One night the drunk pair decided to go looking for trouble. They unlocked a room where a mentally ill young woman was being kept. They started to sexually assault her and decide they have a laugh by dragging her into Michael's room where they violently rape her on his bed all the while destroying his precious masks that he spends his years making. Agitated and outraged Michael kills both the drunks and I believe the woman.

The rape scene was incredibly graphic and Brandon as well as I felt it was very unnecessary. From what I understand that scene was not in the theatrical release and is only found in the director's cut. After that scene the guard who cared for him finds the bodies and kindly tries to get Michael back to his room. Michael kills him too. That seemed to be very out of character for Michael. After all, he usually only kills those who insult him or do him wrong in some way. Thats why he would never hurt his own mother or his baby sister (whom he spared that Halloween night). Killing the one guard who was kind to him just didn't make sense. Supposedly that bit also didn't make it into the theatrical release.

Long story short, Michael escaped the asylum and proceeds to travel to his home town in search of his baby sister, who now has grown into vivacious high school senior.

The rest of the movie went as I suspected any horror movie to be, full of jumps and scares and no matter how they tried to bring the killer down, he would quickly up and disappear before they could blink.

Good movie for the genre, it really makes one think and I found it truly frightening. I think Brandon was worried about me after it was over because I was very quiet. He even apologized because he never had the intension of scaring me. I think he was worried that I may have nightmares. But there isn't much fear in that. I don't usually have nightmares about movies right after I watch them. My nightmares tend to be more random.

but anyway...more later.

~IrishEyes

The Past Year...

I feel like I've cheated my readers.

I mean I haven't posted a real blog in about six or seven months and at the end of one of last ones I had written that I was in Love and I kind of left it at that! But I suppose I thought it was exciting having a secret romance, that I couldn't even blog about (even though I don't use real names). But now after months of waiting its finally out in the open and I feel I can just let it flow into the blogger world.

As few of you may have guessed, the love I was referring to was Brandon and we have been together in an actual romantic relationship for over 11 months. I can't believe its almost been a year already, although sometimes it seems much longer considering how I've been totally in love with him for a good couple of years. I'm still not sure how it happened. Sometimes I have to stop and think about it, think about where we are, where we were, and how we got from there to here. Sometimes I wonder if its all even real. Even last night when we were making love a small thought lingered in the back of my mind "How did I get here? How can something so amazing happen to me?" Brandon and I even had this little joke going on that I fell into a deep sleep one night and I would probably wake up and we'd be back in May 2010 and we'd be back to being best friends in stage combat class and this whole year would have been one long, painfully Amazing dream! Can you imagine? I probably would be borderline suicidal if that were to be true lol But it DID all happen!

Imagine its April 31st 2010, about 11pm. Brandon and I are driving back to his house after seeing the new "Nightmare on Elm street". Brandon seemed particularly quiet. Like always, I was thinking in my head, wouldn't it be so nice if he just reached over and told me he wanted me? Well I was in for the surprise of my life. We pulled up in front of his house and I expected that he would just give me a hug and go as he always did but this time he lingered. Silently. "hmm" he said. I did the same. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking. The engine was still running. Then suddenly..."Do you ever think about us?" he asked.

"About you and me?" I asked.

"Yeah"

I thought my heart might have skipped several beats. I wasn't sure what to say but there was something else that I did know "Maybe I should park the car..."

Long story short, I told him that of course I thought about us, DUH, all the time! He said that he had been thinking about us more and more and he wanted to give it a shot if I still wanted to. And I said "Yes, let's give this a go." At first we sat and talked like we normally did, and maybe 45 minutes later I got brave enough to bring my hand to his face. After that things moved quicker. I don't think either of us knew if it was real. Even Brandon thought it felt surreal. We were sharing the front seat of my car within the next hour. Its amazing how one night changes the course of your life. And yes, I would say that he has changed the course of my life.

Since that night, I have lost 20 pounds, enrolled into a massage therapy program and am just months away from graduation. I've been working at the portrait studio that I worked at a couple years back. Originally I had quit that job because I found it overwhelming. But with Brandon's support I felt strong enough to go back when they asked for me.

All in all, things have greatly changed for the better. Again, its been almost a year, which is actually a record for me! The longest relationship I ever had was 8 months and that was my first relationship, since then, the longest I've had was 4 months and every thing else was only 2. I never felt I had any commitment issues, its just I never wanted to waste anyone's time when I knew it wasn't real. But I have a feeling that this could be the real thing with Brandon. I have never felt this way about anyone, I had never waited this long for anyone.

I really don't know any other way to say it without it sounding so cheesy :) Why does it seem that everything about love has now become so cliche? Or maybe it hasn't. Maybe its the fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce and kids in high school are saying "I love you" right and left and then breaking hearts (sometimes on purpose) that has made us all so cynical that nobody can believe love is the real thing when it comes along. But then I look at my parents, in their 50s and 60s and still love each other. I see Chrissy's parents who got married only 6 months after they met and they are still very much in love...

Then I see Brandon...

I see him sitting across the room at his desk chair, or at the foot of the bed watching me. I see him and I think "I love him." Just the same as I thought when I watched him get out of my car after I'd drive him home from school. It hasn't changed, not a bit.

I love him.

I am alive!

You know I wonder if people ever really hear themselves when they insult somebody or if they can see how childish they act. Its one thing for somebody (me) to post a video saying they don't like a TV show and give a valid reason and opinion...but its completely another thing for other people to tell me Im stupid or that they hate me because of it. I am in no way saying that people have to agree with me. After all, like I stated, its only MY opinion. Other people are allowed to share their opinion as well. But they can keep their nasty, vulgar comments to themselves.

I find it interesting that I haven't written in months but after viewing some comments on youtube, only then do I decide to post an update. There are so many better and pleasant things for me to update! Unfortunately, I have to run off to work so this is all I got at the moment.

But I promise,to those who are reading, I am still here, and I have a lot of goodies for you! I'm going to try my hardest to be back on tomorrow!

~IrishEyes