What to do with him...

I don't know.

Its difficult making heads or tales with Brandon. To most, he is a man of few words. For me, there's not enough words in the universe. I've never met a guy who could keep me in interest for so long. I feel part of it is because I can't have him. People ask me why I like him and I feel I don't have all the answers in my mind. All I can think of are a zillion reasons why I SHOULDN'T like him! Often he is thoughtless, insensitive, rude, cruel, stubborn, selfish and opinionated. He is in fact my polar opposite. I should hate him!

So why don't I? Why do I put up with somebody that could potentially hurt me?

Well he's funny, he actually gets my odd sense of humor. At times he makes me laugh so hard I feel I'll burst. He's the only person I know whom I can quote random movies and shows to and GETS it, and does it with me! He's a decent conversational companion. He's honest and will give you answers straight out. He has great taste in movies. He takes care of himself, always dressed decent and is always trying to better himself physically. He plays guitar. He sings, he'll actually sing WITH me. He also has awesome taste with music and is always looking for something new for us to listen to. There was a time where he came across a song he thought I'd like, he told me about it when we were driving and decided to play it on his mp3 player. I knew the song, it was in fact one of my favorite songs in the whole world. It just amazed me how he just knew. He always seems to know what makes me tick. But that could be dangerous.

Even with all these pros, it still doesn't quite seem to outweigh the cons. But I can't describe the feeling I get when he's there. Its like being safe, while anticipating walking on hot coals.

I wonder at times about why he keeps me. He wont have me, but he keeps me under a watchful eye. I feel that he keeps me on a leash all the while pushing me away if he feels I come too close. I know he doesn't want me close "that way" but I wish he would just...let me in. It's like he's afraid it would mean something if he did. Is he thick headed? Does he think that I'm so naive and in love that I'll chase after him the moment he lets me get close?

I do admit I'm still extremely attracted to him. But I know the boundaries. I only wish he wasn't so cruel. To me it just comes across that he doesn't appreciate me. I feel undermined, passed over. Does he even realize it?

I wish I had all the answers. He thinks he has them all. But I'm starting to think that he doesn't know half of what he thinks he does.

I don't know.

~IrishEyes

Pass the smoke screen exists the "Normal World"

Take it from me, growing up with autism was one big pain in the ass!

But hey, how could it be worse?

The truth? Dealing with autism as an adult!!!!

To many people these days who meet me and talk to me, it often comes as a shock when I tell them that I am autistic. I've apparently come so far since childhood that I can actually pass at being normal.

Normal. For so long I've hated that word. My older constantly told me to be "normal". What does that even mean? Who or what defines "normal"? I didn't know. To this day I still don't fully know what it means. But as much as the word pained me, it was the one thing that I desperately wanted. To be like everyone else. To be normal.

Even before I became aware of what was really "wrong" with me, I knew that there was something that the other kids had, or knew that I didn't. I wasn't sure what it was exactly. All I knew was that they had something I couldn't grasp. Like at school, it seemed like most things came so easy to the other kids that I just couldn't understand. Some sort of wall separated us. It was unseen by the other kids but to me it was plain as day. The other kids just dismissed it as me being weird and socially retarded. I guess I sort of was.

Not only was I painly shy and silent most of the time, but it felt like when I ever did speak out, it was irrelevant and stupid and often ended in my embarrassment. For a while that was my phobia, being embarrassed. I was so oversensitive and could never laugh at my own mistakes. I always felt that people were laughing at me. I also had a difficult time expressing myself, which came to be a problem if I ever needed something.

Thats something that people tend to forget with autism, that it is indeed a communication disorder. For the most part I was a smart kid, I just had to take some things a little slower than others. And in many subjects that proved to be a good thing. Taking things slowly made me a patient child, especially in arts and crafts. While others were rushing through scribbled drawing, I sketched story boards. My teachers saw some potential in me, but I think they thought it was wasted talent. They couldn't see me getting very far trapped in the shell I seemed to be in.

It wasn't until I reached the second grade that my mom took me out of school in search for a new environment for me. Finally we found a private school with a different view on how to educate children. The classroom were filled with colorful artwork made with water colors and colored silk scarves and large wooden colored pencils. Outside, kids were aloud to run around the huge grass lawn, and the herb garden and climb trees. This school to my mother seemed like a dream come true. To me it felt it might have been too. But like the other school, the kids were often cruel for lack of understanding me. I was just about ready to give up on believing I would ever be worthy in the world. But somebody was about to prove me wrong.

My third grade teacher, Dave, was originally from Australia, taught at the school as our main lesson teacher. He played guitar, wrote his own songs and was always very kind to me. I adored him. He spoke to us like grown-ups and never sugar coated anything. He encouraged my art work and was the first person to inspire me to sing. He chose me to sing a solo with him at our class pageant. I suppose I became the teacher's pet (unintentionally of course), this often cause more ridicule from the other kids. But despite all the good things that came from that school, it wasn't enough for me to break through the smoke screen.

After a few years, Dave left the school and returned to Australia. I was never so unhappy to lose a teacher. In the years I remained at that school, two more teachers came to teach our class. It of course wasn't the same. Neither of them had what Dave did. After a while I started into slump. I ate a lot. I felt bitter. I wouldn't take tests, and hide them in my desk. I couldn't follow what was going on around me. Finally my mom decided to take me out of school all together.

At first I was angry. I felt I already came this far, might as well finish with it. But it wasn't all bad. My class still wanted me to come back for the 8th grade play, for which I had a lead role. But after that, I was gone.

Home-schooling at first seemed pretty bad. I was home a lot. I felt I had lost all my old friends and wasn't making new ones. I gained quite a bit of weight. The only comfort I had was not having to worry about dealing with people, not having to worry about being normal. How can anybody know that I wasn't normal if they couldn't see me or talk to me right?

But I was depressed. My younger sister, Debbie, was going to public school and playing softball and was bringing friends around the house ALL the time! I saw what I was missing. I knew it when I heard her yell at mom "It's not MY fault that she doesn't have any friends!" I had to climb out of the hole I was continuing to dig. But I had no idea where to start. So my mom suggested that I join a theatre group. The thought at first terrified me. Sure I loved theatre and LOVED acting and singing, but was I really any good? How could I just put myself out there like that? What if I tried and failed? Even so, I thought if I didn't try I would never know how it would turn out. There was a youth theatre group where I already knew some other kids from the softball league. So against my comfort level I decided to sign up for their production of "The Wizard of Oz". It was there that I met Delilah.

After that, it was almost like the invisible wall was beginning to crumble. Delilah was so amazing and funny and I was always having fun when I was with her. After making a loosing so many childhood best friends, there was NO way I was letting her go. We remain best friends to this day. It was the time I spent in that theatre group where I feel I was coming out of the shell and my slump. I was losing weight, I was happy, I had more people to talk to, and for once I didn't feel so afraid to talk! I learned to laugh at myself and let others laugh with me. I discovered that when I was on stage I had no fear.

By this point I was home schooling through high school and I had started to appreciate what it breeze it must be compared to public schools. But by junior year I knew there were going to be things that other kids were experiencing that I couldn't. There really wasn't much of a dating pool in home schooling. I always hated it when my mom would try to push the dating thing. She wanted me to ask out this guy I met through my high school drama class (yes there were some actual classes in the program), trouble was 1, I didn't like him and 2, he was gay!!!

But needless to say I was still incredibly shy and didn't want to be helped unless I asked. But mom insisted I join the yearbook staff my senior year. Turns out it could have been a great idea because thats where I met Chrissy and my first boyfriend, Wallie. I only say "it could have been" because Wallie turned out to be a religious prude and Chrissy and I are at this point not really speaking. But still it was an experience that help shape into who I am today.

So who am I?

Ask me that now and I'm not sure if I could give you a complete answer. Am I still the shy, bitter, socially retarded child with low self image? Not so much. Outwardly, I can be everything that a 24 year young woman should be. Confident, talkative, funny...even pretty. Like I said at the beginning not many people believe me when I tell them I have autism. Sometimes I have a hard time believing it myself.

But inwardly...I can still feel it, trying to come back out. Sometimes are more difficult to hide it. Instead of talking out my problems, sometimes i just want to kick and scream. I'll cry at night about the same damn problem.

I feel that as far as I've come, I might never fully get through the smoke screen.

am I ok?

Sometimes I find myself wishing a lot of things. Typical things that all young girls think they should wish for. I'll sometimes wish that thinner, toner, prettier, smarter...or that I just knew what to do.

I hate not wanting to be me. At least physically. Inwardly I believe myself to be someone worth while, usually. I may believe I am in body. I even believe I'm really beautiful at times. I'm not sure what changes. heh maybe water weight. But I guess everyone feels down on themselves from time to time. I just wish that I had the discipline or will power that my friends do.

But its not just my body. Sometimes I wonder if my Mom is right about me not having much drive to do things. Or if I really do push people away or cut people out of my life so easily. Chrissy doesn't even consider me a best friend anymore. I guess I haven't thought of her that way for some time either, but deep down it still hurts. She's hurt me pretty bad. She'd say it was Brandon's fault. But she didn't even try to give him a fair shot. I know Brandon may not be everyone's favorite person, but he's not loathed by all. Chrissy was the only one of my close friends that had a problem. Delilah had no issues with him. SHE is a best friend!

There are so many things I'd like to say to Chrissy. But more than anything I think I'd like to prove to her...and to everyone that I can make the right decisions for myself. I want to prove that I can make it! I know what I really want to do now and for ONCE I want to do it my way. I want to go to a career college, so I can get certified and start working. I'm just so tired of school. I've tired of it since 7th grade.

I always hated how it seemed that everyone else knew EXACTLY what they wanted to do and what they had to do to get there. Mom, Pops, Chrissy and so many others...giving what they all thought was the best advise "Do this", "Try that", "You have to do this" or "You do it like that!" Because I don't know what's right for me huh?

I hate feeling like I'm behind. I don't want to feel that anymore. I don't want to try to see through that smoke screen anymore, I want to get past it!

But I still need help...

I don't want it.

I just need it.

Just...tell me it's all ok. That I'm ok....

Debbie

Ever hated somebody so much that it really hurts?

I thought I only hated one person that way. That one person violated me when I was 19. Understandable how I could hate them right?

Well turns out there is one other person who I truly hate. And it hurts me even more...

My sister.

My younger sister Debbie has hurt me more times then I can count. She has been lying and stealing from me and my parents for the past few years. She'll steal anything that could be of value to her. She taken money, clothes, shoes, make-up, hair products, perfume, my digital camera and most recently my classic film SLR camera which was a gift from my Mom's best friend. I've cried over it all so many times.

What hurts me the most is that she REALLY doesn't care! She thinks that so long as she doesn't get caught, it doesn't matter. She doesn't think about how much she is hurting me or our family. Its like she thinks she's entitled to these things, which of course is bullshit.

Everyone keeps telling me to lock up my things in the trunk of my car. But see there is a problem, I have WAY too many things to lock up and I NEVER know what she is after! Plus why should I have to lock all my things up? SHE'S the one who should be locked up!

I know its not their intension but whenever I talk about Debbie's stealing everyone ALWAYS asks "why haven't you locked up your things in your car?" like its MY fault! I HATE it!

The thing is I can't! I have too many things! What am I supposed to do? stuff ALL my clothes and shoes in the trunk? Lock up my laptop in the car? My cameras? Hair products? EVERYTHING??? I CAN'T!!!!! Think about this! Things like that WILL get ruined if left in the car for too long. I can't keep going in and out of my house to my car all the time just to search for something I need, its ridiculous!

The only other solution is to get a good lock for my door, but my Dad keeps stalling! I can't understand what's so hard in finding a lock for my bedroom door! If he had left it up to me, it would have been done already and I may still have a lot of the things that Debbie has stolen (especially the film SLR). Ian would have helped me set up a good lock! I don't see why we can't just do it ourselves. Its like my dad is worried about how it will look or something. Stupid.

Debbie should have been kicked out a long time ago. It is obviously she is caught in a downward spiral, and her being here certainly isn't helping ANYONE including herself! She needs to be kicked out! Maybe then she could actually appreciate how easy she has it! I mean she's not working, she's not even going to school! All she does is lay around, eat and go out with friends. Which is why she is as fat as a whale, because she's such a slob. Of course because she doesn't do any work, she is constantly asking me and my parents for money. Even if I have the money I ALWAYS say no. No exceptions, I don't care what its for. She can starve for all I care! After what she's put us through its what she deserves. My parents will usually give into her. This is why she ALWAYS will ask again, because if she nags them long enough, she knows she'll get what she wants. I think also the reason why they indulge her is because they figure if they don't give her money, she'll just find a way to steal it. Maybe that much is true, but she cannot get a nickel out of me!

Of course I feel like the fool because there are times when she just cries like she's realized how much she's hurt us. She promises she will change. Hell rehab couldn't change her! I'm now coming to the conclusion that Debbie will always be Debbie. She's never going change.

I'll tell you one thing is for sure. When I move out, I don't care if I NEVER see her again. If she even THINKS about knocking on my door because she needs a place to sleep after my parents finally kick her out, she can forget it! She can sleep out in the rain.

Some people say that blood is thicker than water and you should ALWAYS be there for your sibling. Well she's had more than enough chances to redeem herself. Now, as far as Im concerned, she's on her own. I can only have my heart broken so many times and I'm tired of it being by her.

I'm done.

~IrishEyes

Growing Thoughts

I've been wanting to write for the last few days and have had so many thoughts yet I'm finding it difficult to get it down on paper. Its amazing what stories and characters flood through my mind yet I don't have the words to get them out! But at least they don't leave. Whenever I imagine a character I like, they pretty much stick. Maybe they just need time to grow and evolve in my mind before I can get them on the page. Like how a baby grows in the womb, they wont survive unless they've been there long enough.

Ian and I have been doing a lot of talking lately. I feel that talking to him releases a lot of my built up tensions. He has a real gift. If there is ever a time where I REALLY need somebody to talk to, he is always there ready to listen. "Couch time" we call it. This is why I will often call him my "therapist". Come to think of it, I also refer to him as my "Sensei" being there is always something new to learn that he can teach me.

Unfortunately he is having troubles of his own. I can only imagine what he must be feeling. I can only hope that I can offer him any of the comfort he gives me all the time!

Its interesting. Despite what Ian and our other friends tell me, I still can't help but wonder what it is I have done to gain such an awesome circle of close friends. It still blows my mind because I never used to find myself to be a particularly special person. I say "used to" because there are some days where I feel I'm on top of the world and am an amazing person (particularly when I'm with my friends). But back in the days of my childhood, I never seriously found myself amazing at all. I was average at best, if not dull.

So what has changed? Have I changed? Sure. But could it really be that much? What do Ian, Didi, Brandon and Jessie REALLY see in me? Even my Best friend Delilah, whom I've kept the longest of all my bests, sometimes I wonder what it is about me that she loves so much. I guess they have all told me many times, thousands of times even. So why hasn't it sunk in yet. Why is it so hard for me to just believe it? Why are we always so quick to believe the insults instead of the compliments?

Because of the Golden rule perhaps. I was always told its either say something nice, or nothing at all. Maybe I'm just used to being around genuine people yet. Can't say that Chrissy was a huge help in that department, considering that she would choose her stuck up bitch of a best friend over me, or ditch me for her boyfriend.

That's Just another one of those things that I probably spend too much time thinking about.

Anyway...I've rambled a great deal. That's another thing about writing late at night, my mind if FILLED with thoughts, but they all get so jumbled together because I'm sooo tired...

I GOT NEW SHOES TODAY!!! lol another one of Ian's awesome ideas.

Ok on that happy note. I shall say Goodnight.

~IrishEyes