But hey, how could it be worse?
The truth? Dealing with autism as an adult!!!!
To many people these days who meet me and talk to me, it often comes as a shock when I tell them that I am autistic. I've apparently come so far since childhood that I can actually pass at being normal.
Normal. For so long I've hated that word. My older constantly told me to be "normal". What does that even mean? Who or what defines "normal"? I didn't know. To this day I still don't fully know what it means. But as much as the word pained me, it was the one thing that I desperately wanted. To be like everyone else. To be normal.
Even before I became aware of what was really "wrong" with me, I knew that there was something that the other kids had, or knew that I didn't. I wasn't sure what it was exactly. All I knew was that they had something I couldn't grasp. Like at school, it seemed like most things came so easy to the other kids that I just couldn't understand. Some sort of wall separated us. It was unseen by the other kids but to me it was plain as day. The other kids just dismissed it as me being weird and socially retarded. I guess I sort of was.
Not only was I painly shy and silent most of the time, but it felt like when I ever did speak out, it was irrelevant and stupid and often ended in my embarrassment. For a while that was my phobia, being embarrassed. I was so oversensitive and could never laugh at my own mistakes. I always felt that people were laughing at me. I also had a difficult time expressing myself, which came to be a problem if I ever needed something.
Thats something that people tend to forget with autism, that it is indeed a communication disorder. For the most part I was a smart kid, I just had to take some things a little slower than others. And in many subjects that proved to be a good thing. Taking things slowly made me a patient child, especially in arts and crafts. While others were rushing through scribbled drawing, I sketched story boards. My teachers saw some potential in me, but I think they thought it was wasted talent. They couldn't see me getting very far trapped in the shell I seemed to be in.
It wasn't until I reached the second grade that my mom took me out of school in search for a new environment for me. Finally we found a private school with a different view on how to educate children. The classroom were filled with colorful artwork made with water colors and colored silk scarves and large wooden colored pencils. Outside, kids were aloud to run around the huge grass lawn, and the herb garden and climb trees. This school to my mother seemed like a dream come true. To me it felt it might have been too. But like the other school, the kids were often cruel for lack of understanding me. I was just about ready to give up on believing I would ever be worthy in the world. But somebody was about to prove me wrong.
My third grade teacher, Dave, was originally from Australia, taught at the school as our main lesson teacher. He played guitar, wrote his own songs and was always very kind to me. I adored him. He spoke to us like grown-ups and never sugar coated anything. He encouraged my art work and was the first person to inspire me to sing. He chose me to sing a solo with him at our class pageant. I suppose I became the teacher's pet (unintentionally of course), this often cause more ridicule from the other kids. But despite all the good things that came from that school, it wasn't enough for me to break through the smoke screen.
After a few years, Dave left the school and returned to Australia. I was never so unhappy to lose a teacher. In the years I remained at that school, two more teachers came to teach our class. It of course wasn't the same. Neither of them had what Dave did. After a while I started into slump. I ate a lot. I felt bitter. I wouldn't take tests, and hide them in my desk. I couldn't follow what was going on around me. Finally my mom decided to take me out of school all together.
At first I was angry. I felt I already came this far, might as well finish with it. But it wasn't all bad. My class still wanted me to come back for the 8th grade play, for which I had a lead role. But after that, I was gone.
Home-schooling at first seemed pretty bad. I was home a lot. I felt I had lost all my old friends and wasn't making new ones. I gained quite a bit of weight. The only comfort I had was not having to worry about dealing with people, not having to worry about being normal. How can anybody know that I wasn't normal if they couldn't see me or talk to me right?
But I was depressed. My younger sister, Debbie, was going to public school and playing softball and was bringing friends around the house ALL the time! I saw what I was missing. I knew it when I heard her yell at mom "It's not MY fault that she doesn't have any friends!" I had to climb out of the hole I was continuing to dig. But I had no idea where to start. So my mom suggested that I join a theatre group. The thought at first terrified me. Sure I loved theatre and LOVED acting and singing, but was I really any good? How could I just put myself out there like that? What if I tried and failed? Even so, I thought if I didn't try I would never know how it would turn out. There was a youth theatre group where I already knew some other kids from the softball league. So against my comfort level I decided to sign up for their production of "The Wizard of Oz". It was there that I met Delilah.
After that, it was almost like the invisible wall was beginning to crumble. Delilah was so amazing and funny and I was always having fun when I was with her. After making a loosing so many childhood best friends, there was NO way I was letting her go. We remain best friends to this day. It was the time I spent in that theatre group where I feel I was coming out of the shell and my slump. I was losing weight, I was happy, I had more people to talk to, and for once I didn't feel so afraid to talk! I learned to laugh at myself and let others laugh with me. I discovered that when I was on stage I had no fear.
By this point I was home schooling through high school and I had started to appreciate what it breeze it must be compared to public schools. But by junior year I knew there were going to be things that other kids were experiencing that I couldn't. There really wasn't much of a dating pool in home schooling. I always hated it when my mom would try to push the dating thing. She wanted me to ask out this guy I met through my high school drama class (yes there were some actual classes in the program), trouble was 1, I didn't like him and 2, he was gay!!!
But needless to say I was still incredibly shy and didn't want to be helped unless I asked. But mom insisted I join the yearbook staff my senior year. Turns out it could have been a great idea because thats where I met Chrissy and my first boyfriend, Wallie. I only say "it could have been" because Wallie turned out to be a religious prude and Chrissy and I are at this point not really speaking. But still it was an experience that help shape into who I am today.
So who am I?
Ask me that now and I'm not sure if I could give you a complete answer. Am I still the shy, bitter, socially retarded child with low self image? Not so much. Outwardly, I can be everything that a 24 year young woman should be. Confident, talkative, funny...even pretty. Like I said at the beginning not many people believe me when I tell them I have autism. Sometimes I have a hard time believing it myself.
But inwardly...I can still feel it, trying to come back out. Sometimes are more difficult to hide it. Instead of talking out my problems, sometimes i just want to kick and scream. I'll cry at night about the same damn problem.
I feel that as far as I've come, I might never fully get through the smoke screen.
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