What to do with him...

I don't know.

Its difficult making heads or tales with Brandon. To most, he is a man of few words. For me, there's not enough words in the universe. I've never met a guy who could keep me in interest for so long. I feel part of it is because I can't have him. People ask me why I like him and I feel I don't have all the answers in my mind. All I can think of are a zillion reasons why I SHOULDN'T like him! Often he is thoughtless, insensitive, rude, cruel, stubborn, selfish and opinionated. He is in fact my polar opposite. I should hate him!

So why don't I? Why do I put up with somebody that could potentially hurt me?

Well he's funny, he actually gets my odd sense of humor. At times he makes me laugh so hard I feel I'll burst. He's the only person I know whom I can quote random movies and shows to and GETS it, and does it with me! He's a decent conversational companion. He's honest and will give you answers straight out. He has great taste in movies. He takes care of himself, always dressed decent and is always trying to better himself physically. He plays guitar. He sings, he'll actually sing WITH me. He also has awesome taste with music and is always looking for something new for us to listen to. There was a time where he came across a song he thought I'd like, he told me about it when we were driving and decided to play it on his mp3 player. I knew the song, it was in fact one of my favorite songs in the whole world. It just amazed me how he just knew. He always seems to know what makes me tick. But that could be dangerous.

Even with all these pros, it still doesn't quite seem to outweigh the cons. But I can't describe the feeling I get when he's there. Its like being safe, while anticipating walking on hot coals.

I wonder at times about why he keeps me. He wont have me, but he keeps me under a watchful eye. I feel that he keeps me on a leash all the while pushing me away if he feels I come too close. I know he doesn't want me close "that way" but I wish he would just...let me in. It's like he's afraid it would mean something if he did. Is he thick headed? Does he think that I'm so naive and in love that I'll chase after him the moment he lets me get close?

I do admit I'm still extremely attracted to him. But I know the boundaries. I only wish he wasn't so cruel. To me it just comes across that he doesn't appreciate me. I feel undermined, passed over. Does he even realize it?

I wish I had all the answers. He thinks he has them all. But I'm starting to think that he doesn't know half of what he thinks he does.

I don't know.

~IrishEyes