am I ok?

Sometimes I find myself wishing a lot of things. Typical things that all young girls think they should wish for. I'll sometimes wish that thinner, toner, prettier, smarter...or that I just knew what to do.

I hate not wanting to be me. At least physically. Inwardly I believe myself to be someone worth while, usually. I may believe I am in body. I even believe I'm really beautiful at times. I'm not sure what changes. heh maybe water weight. But I guess everyone feels down on themselves from time to time. I just wish that I had the discipline or will power that my friends do.

But its not just my body. Sometimes I wonder if my Mom is right about me not having much drive to do things. Or if I really do push people away or cut people out of my life so easily. Chrissy doesn't even consider me a best friend anymore. I guess I haven't thought of her that way for some time either, but deep down it still hurts. She's hurt me pretty bad. She'd say it was Brandon's fault. But she didn't even try to give him a fair shot. I know Brandon may not be everyone's favorite person, but he's not loathed by all. Chrissy was the only one of my close friends that had a problem. Delilah had no issues with him. SHE is a best friend!

There are so many things I'd like to say to Chrissy. But more than anything I think I'd like to prove to her...and to everyone that I can make the right decisions for myself. I want to prove that I can make it! I know what I really want to do now and for ONCE I want to do it my way. I want to go to a career college, so I can get certified and start working. I'm just so tired of school. I've tired of it since 7th grade.

I always hated how it seemed that everyone else knew EXACTLY what they wanted to do and what they had to do to get there. Mom, Pops, Chrissy and so many others...giving what they all thought was the best advise "Do this", "Try that", "You have to do this" or "You do it like that!" Because I don't know what's right for me huh?

I hate feeling like I'm behind. I don't want to feel that anymore. I don't want to try to see through that smoke screen anymore, I want to get past it!

But I still need help...

I don't want it.

I just need it.

Just...tell me it's all ok. That I'm ok....