Heartbreak

When I was in the 5th grade I had a huge crush on a boy in my class. Looking back on it now I don't think there was any real reason why I liked him, other than the typical "he was the cutest boy in school". My friends and I all had a huge thing for him, almost forming a fan club, sharing thoughts and writing bad poetry! It went on all the way till 8th grade. I never told him how I felt. At the time I thought I was feeling love.

I didn't know a damn thing.

I had no idea how painful it really was, to care for somebody so much but not have those feelings returned. Not until recently have I known the agony. All because I fell for somebody who would become one of my best friends.

Its a pain unlike anything I ever felt. Never in the past relationships I've ended did I feel anything this sharp and so deep.

Sometimes it doesn't seem so bad, sometimes I'm even happy that he's still a big part of my life. But other times (like today) I feel as though I may die of it. Die of heartbreak. And I seriously wonder how he would feel if I did. Would it matter? Do I matter?

I know he cares about me to a point. But what's so hard is knowing that it can only be so much, and not the way I want. Sometimes being physically close to him can be torture. He'll be sitting close enough where I can smell him, and all I want to do is lay my head on his chest and take it all in, never moving. And I would be content just like that. But I can never allow myself to get that close. That would be too much for him coming from me. He doesn't like being close to anyone. As if it makes his skin crawl! It's almost offensive.

But what's worse is knowing that he has gotten close with other girls. So I almost can't help but take it personally. Its not about him not wanting to be with anyone, its that he doesn't want ME.

It has actually only been really difficult in the last few weeks, but not so much when we're together. When Im with him, I can't help but feel happy, especially when he makes me laugh. Its been well over a year since we discussed our feelings, and I don't think I ever really had a cry about it. However today I wept bitterly. I really wanted to scream and kick like a disturbed child. I wasn't even sure what I was so angry or sad about. Until I remembered the dream I had last night.

He and I were talking in a bookstore, I felt so angry at him, but cried as I held him as tightly as I could and he embraced me. But then he said "You know you will have to let go eventually." I wasn't sure if he meant physically or emotionally but I had the sinking feeling he meant both.

I woke up feeling hurt and alone. And that hurt followed me all day.

I keep trying to prepare myself for the day another woman comes into his life. It'll come, I know it will. And I feel that when it does, I might have to disappear. I'm not sure how I could take it. No matter how much I try to tell myself and prepare for it, I can never know how it'll effect me. And of course it kills me because I feel almost powerless when it comes to searching for other men, because no other man is good enough according to him! Yet he has the freedom to go about and screw whoever he wants if he chose to do so!

But I've never been able to express any anger towards him. Never.

I love him. If only he really knew and could appreciate it.

~IrishEyes

Looking at the Future

I always envied the people who, from even a young age, always knew what they wanted to in life and manage to make it happen for them. They kind of made it seem simple. I know that the reality of all is that you have to work hard to get you where you want to go. But if its for something you really really want, doesn't that make it all the more easier because you are working towards something you love? I always hoped so.

I never knew for sure what I wanted. Never in my entire life. Nothing that would guarantee me work anyway, or what some people would call "realistic". I wanted to be an artist as a child. But I got older I was brought to think thats not really the wisest choice since lots of art isn't REALLY appreciated until the artist is dead. Yeah, good plan. I could work for disney in animation and stuff, but I feel I would have to start completely over in my schooling. It takes years just to get close to the company. I also feel I have the patience. Drawing makes me happy, but if I have to do to meet up to other expectations...no I'd rather not.

But what else could I do? I am good on the stage. I love to sing and dance and act. But so does every other girl. Many of which are probably more talented and prettier than me and even THEY cannot get work. Its extremely difficult. It's all about the right place in the right time...with the right agency. I would love to try pursue that when I actually have the TIME!

That is another problem that I face. TIME. I feel that while I am still in school, I cannot take the proper steps towards my career. I feel that if I just did not have school to worry about, then I would be ALL OVER the place career hunting. Because then I wouldn't worry about how to negotiate my time with classes.

But what would be my ideal job?

Honestly. I just want to write, photograph and perform. But again, those are difficult fields to master enough to make money. Writers have a difficult time getting a publisher, photographers need a lot of training and advertisement and performers have a long audition process. Go figure. Its not impossible though. And slowly, I am trying to work up to it. Unfortunately I don't seem to be working fast enough for some. My mother.

My mother only had two things in mind for her future: Marriage, and Babies. When she was 22 she got engaged to first husband and was married by 23(my present age). In this marriage she had my sister, Brittany. Things weren't so bad for Mom until she realized that her choice in husband was a complete mistake! But she got smart, divorced the douche-bag and took custody of my sister. I'm not even sure if the man even fought for his kid. Too lazy I suppose. Anyway, so here is my Mom, college drop out with a baby to care for. She was able to fend for herself well enough until she met another man who was destined to me my wonderful father. He married her and cared for her and my sister, then they had me and we were perfect. Then they had my little sister and then we weren't so perfect....but I'll get into that another time.

So basically, after that my Mom didn't have to worry about a thing! My Pops had a good career and was able to take good care of all of us. She never had to work. Hell she didn't even finish college till after I got started.

But here I am, on the bridge of 24, just figuring out new paths to take and according to Mom, my time is running out! If I am going to do anything and not worry, I have to find a man to take care of me! Now, I am not at opposed to the idea of marriage. When done right, I think its wonderful. I would love to find somebody who would care so much for me. But I don't want them to have to take care of me all the time. Its supposed to be a partnership, you take care of each other! I hate to think that I can't take care of myself first. I want to be able to get out on my own, have my own place, learn what it feels like to be by myself and taking responsibility for myself before I even think of taking care of somebody else or them of me! In ways my mom understands that but I don't think she believes it. Why? Because according to her I don't have drive to do anything. I feel like I do. I might need a little shove or encouragement but I KNOW I can.

So what stops me?

Fear. That's really the only thing. I am terrified. I may not seem that way outwardly but I am not always as confident as I may look. I cried on my high school graduation day for God's sake!

Also, I feel I don't always have the right encouragement. Not from my family. My friends have ways of telling me what I need to hear without the bullshit and without me feeling sorry for myself. I'm not sure how they do it, but they do. My family? My dad tries his hardest. Especially since he knows I am so like him, he actually understands, but he's not always around or in a mood to talk. Mom, she thinks she's being encouraging but its much more overbearing. Even if I tell her about what I want to do she immediately goes into an argumentative mode with a "This is what I was TRYING to tell you" or "Why didn't you think of this BEFORE?!" sound with whatever she says.

Sometimes I think she wishes I was more like her, or like Brittany.

But I love not being like them. I like being like my dad, and like my Grandma on my mother's side. I like me. I like me everyday. Maybe not all day everyday. It may just take me a little while longer, but I know that eventually, I'll get where I need to go.

~Like the tiny stream trying to pass the stone blocking its path. With time, the water will wear down the hardest rock and will one day make it to the big river.~

~IrishEyes

Sex deprived!

I had a dream that I was the main attraction of some sort of sex auction/performance art in what resembled a swap meet. I was on a sort of platform in the middle of the walkway where people can either stop and watch or pass by. I had a clipboard with names on those who were bidding and paying to have sex with me. There were a couple of names and I remember thinking "Great, I've made a profit today!"

Then my ex-boyfriend came onto the scene, and we were just about to go at it on the platform when I woke up all hot and bothered.

Despite having satisfied my needs with my battery operated bliss that very night before sleeping, I knew by that dream that what I'm really missing is the real thing. While I enjoy very much being single, I realized that one of the beauties of a relationship is that you are likely to take part in some sort of sexual activity with your partner at some point during the week. And thats what I need. Somebody who is obligated to sleep with me...well not obligated, he'd have to WANT to! But you get the idea.

I know now, it has been too long since I've had sex. And unfortunately, being a woman, it wouldn't be wise to just hop in bed with anyone who happens to be available for the night. Despite how times have changed, in the long run it is still unacceptable for a woman to have sex like a man! I HATE that double standard! Women have needs too ya know?

Its times like this that I wish I had a decent fuck buddy. That way I can keep it on the down low and without the complications of a relationship, no muss, no fuss. Oh don't get me wrong, I am not at all opposed to being in a relationship. But lets face it, I have never been able to hold on to a guy for longer than 8 months. So needless to say, I have yet to have a very successful one. The only real success I have with men are my companionships with Brandon, Ian and Jessie.

Oh well...for now I suppose I'll have to deal until somebody worthy comes along. Even if I want to I can't go and hump just anybody. I am worth far more than that!

...stupid boys and their stupid boy penises!

Abortion

I know...it's such an ugly word. Nobody wants to hear it let alone think about it. But its there, whether we agree with it or not.

Pro Choice. That's where I stand. I'll just make that clear now.

I could go on and on about frustrations with the pro lives. They don't once think of the woman who is forced to carry this baby that she's probably not ready to have. "But there is always adoption" they say.

Can you imagine, you are a young woman, carrying a tiny thing that eventually becomes a baby inside you for 9 months? Feeling it kick, turn, knowing its now hearing your voice and getting to know you. You're bonding with it. Now think about finally bringing that child into the world. Chances are, by then, you are NOT gunna want to let that baby go and lots of girls end up keeping them, even when they're not ready.

Some young girls parents actually force their daughters to have these children as a punishment for getting pregnant (or just having sex) in the first place! That isn't fair for the girl OR their child. No child deserves to be born under such horrible circumstances which brings me to my next point. Rape.

Does anyone really think that a rape victim should be forced to carry and give birth to the child of her rapist? Its unthinkable! If a woman decides that it is some blessing in disguise then power to her, but that is not often the case.

Another thing that I can't stand is MEN trying to tell a woman what she can and can't do with her body. Of course this is nothing new. We've been dealing with this bullshit since year 1 and it needs to STOP! Call me a feminist, I do NOT hate men, I just hate what some men do! If a man tells ME not get an abortion and care for a baby that I can't have, lets see him try it.

People who are pro life argue that life begins at conception. Well scientifically we know that's just not factual. They next argue that they are thinking of the life of the child because abortion is murder. Now this is where the live gets thin. For me, if you're going to get an abortion, the sooner the better! I am one of many who finds it disgusting when one waits to long to get it. But it still doesn't scream murder. And I don't believe in non abortion being child saving. We are over populated with unwanted children who don't stand much of a chance of getting adopted! They grow up with abandonment issues, often getting into trouble as they get older. How is this saving them exactly? Some babies born don't even make it that far. Some just wind up in the trash...literally. I'm not being cruel, thats just something that happens sometimes.

Another problem I have with people is when they think that women who get abortions are loose and just don't care. They can't be further than the truth. Even the most liberal free spirited woman doesn't want to have make that kind of decision. Its probably the most difficult decision we'll ever make in our lives. Either way, to have the child, or not have it, it changes you. You don't just walk out of the clinic and forget about it. You NEVER forget, whether its going on in your own mind or people don't let you forget it. Even when its the right decision, some women often wonder and question themselves.

Kids and adults need to get real. The kids need to realize the risks they are taking by having sex in the first place, or fantasying about being young parent. Adults need to get real on dealing with young people and what we're teaching them.

If we don't want to worry about having to deal with abortion in the first place, then maybe we need to step up the game about not getting pregnant. NO!! I DON'T mean STRENGTHENING ABSTINENCE! True, while abstinence is the only for sure way never to get pregnant or STDs, we cannot issue that as the only option and we can never expect people to use it. This really all smacks down to people making sex a taboo subject to talk about. That is what we NEED to work on. Not pointing figures (and guns) at abortionist! Instead, why not take care of what's going on in your own personal lives?

In the long run, people just need to better educate themselves and stop letting their personal fear lead their lives and try to lead others.

I hope I got my point across. Nobody likes to think about it. But sooner or later many of us HAVE to. If the day to make that decision never comes to you, thats wonderful. You are either very careful or just fortunate. But if it comes to you or somebody else, be sure you are making the right decision for YOU, and not for anyone else's comfort or religion.

~IrishEyes

Something Special

So I was having a conversation with Brandon tonight and I realized how incredibly open we really are when it comes to us, our friendship and our own personal lives. Even though I'm sure we both have things we prefer to keep to ourselves, I can think of very little that he and I can't or actually haven't talked about. I mean we talk about nearly everything! Our favorite music, favorite movies, past times, hobbies, childhood, family, religion, politics, loves, hates, even past relationships and highlights of sex life. Seems pretty extensive and very personal no?

Honestly, this would actually shock some people. My sister and Mother kind of find this friendship hard to believe because SOMEBODY (I dunno know who but I want them dead) claims that a male and female (both heterosexual) cannot be just friends, there is always something else involved. I'm sure by now, you all know I think that's bullshit. I mean Brandon and I pretty much break every traditional friendship law.

Truth be told, I don't think my Mom likes Brandon very much. Kind of the same bullshit he gets from a lot of people. To them he comes off as an asshole. When it comes to my family and friends who might think that way, it hurts me because thats a shot at my judgement of character. My mom thinks her judgment is right up top but I'm afraid she's not seeing the whole picture. Instead of seeing that I am happy being friends with Brandon, she insists thats its only temporary and I'll one day wake up, 40 and alone and realized that I have nobody because I wasted it all on guy friends aka Brandon. Because he is what's wrong with the world right?

But like I said, what he and I have isn't exactly something that fits into what people call the normal mold. But I love it. I also enjoy the time I've been spending with Ian lately. Although, even with him my sister was suspicious something was going on *eye roll*.

But back to where I was originally going. Talking to Brandon, I couldn't help but think about what a difference there is between our generation and our parents. I kept wondering to myself, did my Mom ever have similar conversations being with male OR female friends? By the way my mom acts, it sounds like it would have been unheard of! My parents didn't even like the idea of me buying tampons in front of guys, let alone talk about such personal subjects. When I think about it, its really kind of sad. That most people can't be so open with each other seems very uptight. I'm not saying that everyone should go about sharing their personal lives with EVERYONE they meet, not at all. I just think that everyone should have somebody that they can share so much with. Or better yet, a couple of people, with different view points, like Ian and Brandon.

But I have to say I am one of the lucky ones. Not everyone can have guys that will literally act retarded just to make you laugh when you feel like shit. Nope. Thats all mine! lol

Just thought I'd share that. They are really what make my present life quite amazing. If you are so lucky to find that kind of companionship, value what you've found. I'll be holding on to mine as long as I possibly can. They sure as hell ain't gunna lose me!

~IrishEyes

Spring 2010

Well as the week has gone on, things have been better. We've all been able to hang out as a group last night and Jessie seems more like his old self. He and I still haven't talked about what actually happened between us but I'm not going to try so hard anymore. I really shouldn't push it. If really wants to talk, he'll have to bring it up himself. I'll just leave the whole thing alone for now, Lord knows I'm tired of talking about it and I'm sure everyone else if sick of hearing about it.

In other news, classes are going very well. I am thoroughly enjoying my stage movement and combat class. We're learning basic moves with swords. Didi and I had already decided to become partner's in the final. Its funny because our teacher hasn't even touched on the final assignment instructions, but we want to get ahead so it can be perfect for the end of the semester. We decided on a farce. As much as I would love to do something romantic/dramatic, it would require much more time and thought than maybe possible to give, plus a male partner (*wink*). In any case, Diana and I already know we work well together and can come up with something hysterical, beautiful, sexy and smart. I always wanted to do a fight scene in lingerie!

Brandon and Ian are working on their final together and knowing the two of them and how they both think, its going to be so fucking amazing that I'll be jealous! I hope that at some point, whether it be for a class or a project of our own, I'd like perform and scene with Ian and Brandon. Ian and I had talked about this before. I would love to see how we'd bounce off each other. I actually hope to put a video project together eventually. Still have to work with some of the casting (I have got parts for Ian, Brandon and Jessie in mind) but my vision is pretty hilarious. It's just a matter now of getting my hands on the script and once everything is in order, to get permission to use the green room of the Theatre :) I would play a minor part in the film of course, but for the most part, I will be behind the camera and for the first time really directing. I never really thought about directing before. So far the only kind I've really done was direct the subject whom I was photographing. Never really directed a play before. So this would be a fun little project for me. Problem is at the moment that I've told too many people about it and they expect to be IN it when I only have a limited number of roles. I know that my friend Megan was kinda pissy about not being casted in it when I asked for her help with the filming. But there was no official plan yet! And there is something she needs to understand, she is not that great of an actress. The only role I could cast her in is the one I want to play. I want everything to be accurate and there really isn't any other female part she could fit in to.

Hm...Megan. There is a lot to discuss about her.

I think I found my subject for next time...

~IrishEyes

Damnit Jessie!!!! Part 2

So yes, I said I'd continue the story. I didn't realize till after I had finished the first blog, on how long it was. But we left off at the beginning of the current semester...

I hadn't heard from Jessie in a while and everyone was wondering what was going on in his brain. I had been conversing with Ian a lot, who has been acting as my therapist for quite some time. Talking to Ian always had a way of calming me down and getting me to think clearly. Its actually awesome how he and Brandon bounce off each other! Put me a room with the two of them and I am in utter bliss, I swear! Anyway, so basically Ian acts as the mutual party when it comes to Jessie and tries to make a clear path for us since Jessie actually confides in Ian too.

Unfortunately things weren't gunna go as smoothly as we thought. Ian, at one point, actually thought he had everything solved and assured me that talking to him should be easy now that Jessie informed him on what was going on. Well I was skeptical. I thought what Ian was telling me was too good to be true. So I waited a few days and then I decided enough was enough. I called Jessie. When he answered I got straight to the point - "Have you noticed that you and I haven't had a proper conversation in like...forever?" I asked.

"Actually, I've been wondering about that myself." He said.

Oh really? I thought. Basically I asked him if he was ok and if something was wrong. I expected Jessie to come right out with it. But...for some reason...he decided to play dumb with me.

"No, I really have no idea. I mean we haven't talked in a while, I've been busy with a lot of shit lately. I thought maybe you might need some space..." he said.

"Why would I need space?" I asked. I really wanted to hear his answer. I wanted him to SAY it!

"I dunno. You just seemed like you needed space." Jessie said.

BULLSHIT!

I knew right then that he was pussyfooting around! At this point, I had a pretty good idea of the conversation going on between him and Ian. I knew that Jessie knew, felt and thought a LOT more than he was letting me know! Hell he was pretty much LYING to me!

I wasn't really angry about the whole situation before, but because he wasn't being honest with me, I felt pretty angry and hurt. I told him that if there was ANYTHING up to tell me. But he kept insisting that he didn't know or couldn't figure out what was wrong. It was beyond me.

The next Monday when I picked up Brandon, I decided to confide in him and told him what was going on. Naturally, he thought it was bullshit too. I pretty much laid it out for Jessie and he STILL avoided the subject. We ended up having discussion with Ian and Didi that night over dinner, during which Jessie happen to call Ian. I was anxious to hear what might be happening. Out of courtesy, Ian stepped outside with the phone and the rest of us waited. When Ian came back, I was not happy to hear what was coming.

Apparently, when I called Jessie, he felt that I was not being entirely honest to HIM! For a moment I was in shock. WHAT? The man had little to NOTHING to say and I was the one who wasn't being entirely HONEST! WTF???? I could feel my blood start to boil! Ian, actually had to take my phone away to keep me from calling Jessie and yelling at him right then! I was furious!

I didn't feel right for the rest of the evening. The others assured me that this wasn't my fault and also assured me that they knew I was trying to resolve this but Jessie was being incredibly stupid and what he was doing was not helping himself in ANY way.

This has pretty much been the topic of conversation among our group to this day.

Yes...a month later and this still isn't resolved. Jessie has hardly made the effort to contact Brandon, which is REALLY unlike him, for they're supposed to be best friends. My frustrations have only grown. This past weekend has been difficult because Jessie had agreed to meet up with me last Saturday but bailed at the last minute which hurt. Of course by now I am very tired of the whole thing. I've just about had it. But then something interesting happened.

Jessie picked me up yesterday afternoon and took me to lunch. Had it not for the subject on my mind this would have been fairly normal. But something was off. He paid for lunch and bought me a bar of my favorite chocolate. Again, this wasn't unusual for Jessie, but it didn't feel right. It wasn't the same. I felt that this was a ploy to get me forgive him...a silent apology. Whether it was for Saturday night or for the whole ordeal I wasn't sure. Even when I tried to talk about it with him, he still played innocent and dodged the subject. I gave up on it. It wasn't an unpleasant time, but it left me feeling somewhat empty and mentally exhausted.

Again, Brandon, Ian, and I had a talk this afternoon which was continued on later tonight with Didi. They knew I gave it my fair shot. But told me not give up completely. I really do not want to lose Jessie, I've already lost enough friends last year. I would hate to think that my friendship with Jessie was in jeopardy, but by the way things are going, its going to be difficult for things to be the same again. It still floors me how Brandon and I can talk about me really liking him and it didn't change a thing between us but this...this with Jessie is just STUPID! Very high school.

Thats pretty much where the fail is at present time. Definitely carried over from last year.

I just hope that we can resolve this soon.

~IrishEyes