I never knew for sure what I wanted. Never in my entire life. Nothing that would guarantee me work anyway, or what some people would call "realistic". I wanted to be an artist as a child. But I got older I was brought to think thats not really the wisest choice since lots of art isn't REALLY appreciated until the artist is dead. Yeah, good plan. I could work for disney in animation and stuff, but I feel I would have to start completely over in my schooling. It takes years just to get close to the company. I also feel I have the patience. Drawing makes me happy, but if I have to do to meet up to other expectations...no I'd rather not.
But what else could I do? I am good on the stage. I love to sing and dance and act. But so does every other girl. Many of which are probably more talented and prettier than me and even THEY cannot get work. Its extremely difficult. It's all about the right place in the right time...with the right agency. I would love to try pursue that when I actually have the TIME!
That is another problem that I face. TIME. I feel that while I am still in school, I cannot take the proper steps towards my career. I feel that if I just did not have school to worry about, then I would be ALL OVER the place career hunting. Because then I wouldn't worry about how to negotiate my time with classes.
But what would be my ideal job?
Honestly. I just want to write, photograph and perform. But again, those are difficult fields to master enough to make money. Writers have a difficult time getting a publisher, photographers need a lot of training and advertisement and performers have a long audition process. Go figure. Its not impossible though. And slowly, I am trying to work up to it. Unfortunately I don't seem to be working fast enough for some. My mother.
My mother only had two things in mind for her future: Marriage, and Babies. When she was 22 she got engaged to first husband and was married by 23(my present age). In this marriage she had my sister, Brittany. Things weren't so bad for Mom until she realized that her choice in husband was a complete mistake! But she got smart, divorced the douche-bag and took custody of my sister. I'm not even sure if the man even fought for his kid. Too lazy I suppose. Anyway, so here is my Mom, college drop out with a baby to care for. She was able to fend for herself well enough until she met another man who was destined to me my wonderful father. He married her and cared for her and my sister, then they had me and we were perfect. Then they had my little sister and then we weren't so perfect....but I'll get into that another time.
So basically, after that my Mom didn't have to worry about a thing! My Pops had a good career and was able to take good care of all of us. She never had to work. Hell she didn't even finish college till after I got started.
But here I am, on the bridge of 24, just figuring out new paths to take and according to Mom, my time is running out! If I am going to do anything and not worry, I have to find a man to take care of me! Now, I am not at opposed to the idea of marriage. When done right, I think its wonderful. I would love to find somebody who would care so much for me. But I don't want them to have to take care of me all the time. Its supposed to be a partnership, you take care of each other! I hate to think that I can't take care of myself first. I want to be able to get out on my own, have my own place, learn what it feels like to be by myself and taking responsibility for myself before I even think of taking care of somebody else or them of me! In ways my mom understands that but I don't think she believes it. Why? Because according to her I don't have drive to do anything. I feel like I do. I might need a little shove or encouragement but I KNOW I can.
So what stops me?
Fear. That's really the only thing. I am terrified. I may not seem that way outwardly but I am not always as confident as I may look. I cried on my high school graduation day for God's sake!
Also, I feel I don't always have the right encouragement. Not from my family. My friends have ways of telling me what I need to hear without the bullshit and without me feeling sorry for myself. I'm not sure how they do it, but they do. My family? My dad tries his hardest. Especially since he knows I am so like him, he actually understands, but he's not always around or in a mood to talk. Mom, she thinks she's being encouraging but its much more overbearing. Even if I tell her about what I want to do she immediately goes into an argumentative mode with a "This is what I was TRYING to tell you" or "Why didn't you think of this BEFORE?!" sound with whatever she says.
Sometimes I think she wishes I was more like her, or like Brittany.
But I love not being like them. I like being like my dad, and like my Grandma on my mother's side. I like me. I like me everyday. Maybe not all day everyday. It may just take me a little while longer, but I know that eventually, I'll get where I need to go.
~Like the tiny stream trying to pass the stone blocking its path. With time, the water will wear down the hardest rock and will one day make it to the big river.~
~IrishEyes
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