Heartbreak

When I was in the 5th grade I had a huge crush on a boy in my class. Looking back on it now I don't think there was any real reason why I liked him, other than the typical "he was the cutest boy in school". My friends and I all had a huge thing for him, almost forming a fan club, sharing thoughts and writing bad poetry! It went on all the way till 8th grade. I never told him how I felt. At the time I thought I was feeling love.

I didn't know a damn thing.

I had no idea how painful it really was, to care for somebody so much but not have those feelings returned. Not until recently have I known the agony. All because I fell for somebody who would become one of my best friends.

Its a pain unlike anything I ever felt. Never in the past relationships I've ended did I feel anything this sharp and so deep.

Sometimes it doesn't seem so bad, sometimes I'm even happy that he's still a big part of my life. But other times (like today) I feel as though I may die of it. Die of heartbreak. And I seriously wonder how he would feel if I did. Would it matter? Do I matter?

I know he cares about me to a point. But what's so hard is knowing that it can only be so much, and not the way I want. Sometimes being physically close to him can be torture. He'll be sitting close enough where I can smell him, and all I want to do is lay my head on his chest and take it all in, never moving. And I would be content just like that. But I can never allow myself to get that close. That would be too much for him coming from me. He doesn't like being close to anyone. As if it makes his skin crawl! It's almost offensive.

But what's worse is knowing that he has gotten close with other girls. So I almost can't help but take it personally. Its not about him not wanting to be with anyone, its that he doesn't want ME.

It has actually only been really difficult in the last few weeks, but not so much when we're together. When Im with him, I can't help but feel happy, especially when he makes me laugh. Its been well over a year since we discussed our feelings, and I don't think I ever really had a cry about it. However today I wept bitterly. I really wanted to scream and kick like a disturbed child. I wasn't even sure what I was so angry or sad about. Until I remembered the dream I had last night.

He and I were talking in a bookstore, I felt so angry at him, but cried as I held him as tightly as I could and he embraced me. But then he said "You know you will have to let go eventually." I wasn't sure if he meant physically or emotionally but I had the sinking feeling he meant both.

I woke up feeling hurt and alone. And that hurt followed me all day.

I keep trying to prepare myself for the day another woman comes into his life. It'll come, I know it will. And I feel that when it does, I might have to disappear. I'm not sure how I could take it. No matter how much I try to tell myself and prepare for it, I can never know how it'll effect me. And of course it kills me because I feel almost powerless when it comes to searching for other men, because no other man is good enough according to him! Yet he has the freedom to go about and screw whoever he wants if he chose to do so!

But I've never been able to express any anger towards him. Never.

I love him. If only he really knew and could appreciate it.

~IrishEyes