The day started out pretty trying. I had beaten my alarm by about 3 hours and had a hard time getting back to sleep. My alarm went off at 8:00 am so I could be at the Doctors office for my appointment at 8:50.
I get there all in good time, though tired as fuck. I check in at the third floor and waiedt to be seen. Thankfully I didn't have to wait long. I figured this Pap test would be a simple "in-n-out" affair. They checked me at the scale...162 lbs. Great, like I didn't already think I was a fat-ass. Because unless my scale at home is off, then I must have gained 8-10 pounds!
I sit, they check my blood pressure, ask me the routine questions, blah blah blah, you get the picture. Then the nurse took me to the little room, told me to undress completely and put on the hospital frock. Yay...the fun part. I'll try to run this by fast, Doctor came in, did another set of routine questions and explained about the Pap and that she would guide me through the process. I'm on the table, legs propped up and spread and just when we're about to get this stupid thing going, she stops. There was too much blood. I hadn't realized that my cycle was still fairly heavy (It didn't start till thursday, the day after I even booked the appointment).
So needless to say the rest of the appointment couldn't go on which meant I spent $25 for nothing! On top of that, she sent me down stairs for a blood lab test, another $10 out of my pocket. This wouldn't be a huge deal if I hadn't just earn that exact amount of money the night before. Yay, I spent a whole night earnings on a half done pap smear!!!!
I was fucking pissed off. I didn't even bother rescheduling my appointment, I was too mad. Couldn't find the damn nurses station anyway...why couldn't I just reschedule an appointment at the fucking front desk!
Anyway, I was off to meet up with Brandon at his house to start our run. Today was day one of my diet and workout plan. We drove over to the university campus where they have a track. It was a beautiful day with a nice breeze. I thought this would be nice and take my mind off this morning. Wrong.
I started out okay, at a fairly good pace and I was able to keep up with Brandon. But about half way around the track I started to feel weary. My breathing grew heavy. Suddenly the track felt soooo much bigger and I thought "How can I possibly run 12 laps! I can't even make it half around the track!!!!" I felt weak and so embarrassed! I never wanted Brandon to ever see me like this. I wanted to just keel over and die. I tried. I kept going. Fortunately Brandon was easy on me and let me walk briskly some of the way. He knew that I hadn't trained myself to breathe correctly and it didn't help that I was running on empty (I couldn't eat before the blood test), and they had taken more blood from me than he had originally thought. I was fatigued.
I didn't quit. Quick or slow I made the 12 laps. I know it had some effect, I can feel it in my legs. But I dread our run on Wed. He said he wont let me walk next time. I just hope that I'll have more strength to pull through by then, since I'll have eaten something and my blood replenished.
Even though I was happy he was with me and wants to help me get to my goal weight...I almost can't help but feel a little upset. Its horrible that I have a complex about my weight, I'm still working on getting over it, but I wonder why Brandon is really doing this? He says I can't do it for him, I have to do this for me. Yes. But what is he trying to say? I didn't exactly ask for his help, he just sort of offered on his own. I can't help but feel that this is to feed his own ambition, or to prove something. I know its not his intention but I've never felt so fat or weak as I did today. Not all day today (it wasn't all bad) but I felt it never the less.
I'm not going to give up. If this is what it takes to stop feeling like this...then I'll get through it.
But anyway...thats my day...
~IrishEyes
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