It seems like I'm having as much bad luck with friends lately as I've had good. I'm not sure why, but for some reason its like some of them just can't hold on real long. The simplest thing seems to drive them away. I don't at all admit to being the perfect friend, not by a long shot. But I try my hardest to be a good one at least. Sometimes I'm even considered great! So what's the problem? Let me tell you about it...
As I'm sure you remember from my last blog, I've mentioned how I've gotten very close to my guy friends in the past year or so. I've already talked about Brandon but there was also Jessie and more recently Ian.
Now Jessie, I've known the longest of the three. We met maybe around three years ago through mutual friends. He and Brandon actually have been friends since high school. He is the kind of guy that everybody remembers, he makes friends wherever he goes! So naturally he knows he knows about half the people in town. Can't go anywhere with him without bumping to somebody who knows him, and believe me, thats not always a good thing.
Jessie and I have gotten very close. He, Brandon and I pretty much spent all of last summer attached at the hip. Me and "The Boys". I loved it. They certainly had a way of making me feel special.
Anyway, after a while, all of our circle of friends knew of my feelings for Brandon. Not a big deal, because at least Brandon heard it from me (or rather he ventured a guess and I confirmed it). But many of our friends considered to wonder of my relationship with Jessie. Out of the two, I was more physically close to Jessie. Mostly very innocent things like leaning my head on his shoulder, linking arms as we walked, friendly hugs and things like that. Eventually it turned to laying our heads in each other's laps, holding hands and kisses on the cheek. We were both very open and felt so comfortable, I honestly didn't think twice about it. I just thought that's how we were together. Maybe I was just too innocent. Or maybe I just didn't want to see what others had already.
Jessie used to smoke quite regularly till he quit last year. I'm still not sure if I had any real influence, but I certainly politely expressed my detest for it and my concerns for his health. So imagine my happiness when he did quit. But after he did, for a while he suffered from mood swings. Nothing outrageous, or loud. He would just get very quiet and moody. Sometimes he would take off early leaving the rest of us to hang out. This carried on for a few months, which is to be expected with withdrawals. But soon some of us started to wonder if it was from other things. I wondered what was really going through his head.
From what I can make right now, he must have liked me more than I thought. Jessie was always a very openly flirtatious guy, so many girls often mistook him for liking them. I am kind of that way too so I just assumed it was the same for me, that we were just openly flirty but nothing serious. But I never could tell for sure, he always said that he could never say 'No' to me. It seemed like if I ever wanted or needed something, he'd be there to grant my every wish. Not that I ever asked for much.
So we carried on, and when anyone would ask me what was going on, I'd simply say "Nothing. We're just friends." Most reactions were the same "Ah I see. You make a cute couple though!"
I have to admit, I often wondered if we really would make a nice couple. Jessie was of course very cute and funny and loyal. But could I ever see him as more than a friend? But then I would think deeper and remember... as much as I might love Jessie, I would always love somebody else more...Brandon.
I've realized that I could never date Jessie having already fallen for his best friend. It would be too much! Too weird. Despite all the encouragement I seemed to be getting from our friends, I just couldn't see the two of us happening.
Once I figured that much out for myself, I would always drop the hints to Jessie whenever he would tease me about the two of us getting married and making babies. I agree he will one day make an awesome dad, but not for my children. I would tell him how much I would love for him and Brandon to be part of my wedding, how I would want them to give me away if for some reason my father couldn't (heaven forbid!). But he would continue to make the jokes about how he'd be the one I marry. Got almost tiring. Even annoying.
It was getting close to New Years eve, and I wanted to go to a party and do it right this year, but I wasn't comfortable going alone. Brandon already had plans out of town for the night so I asked Jessie if he would like to accompany me to a party with some people from school. He agreed after some persuasion, again making jokes about how I "owe" him. Please, what did he have to complain about? I was the one who'd be driving around on New Years eve.
That was another thing that bugged me about him, he always had an excuse not to drive! Granted his car is a piece of shit that's older than he is, but whatever.
Anyway, so we make it to the party and there are a few people there we'd rather not see but for the most part we've had an amazing time. Since it was still early I had a drink, just enough to tide me over but still be good to drive by the end of the night. Jessie went off to play beer pong. Bad Idea. I spent most of the evening with my girlfriend, Didi. She wasn't drinking that night since she just got over the flew, so it was nice having somebody to talk to that wasn't hammered. But since I wasn't keeping tabs on Jessie, I wasn't aware of how much he was drinking...
Around 11:30p.m. we were all sitting and laughing and talking about New Years resolutions and then the topic came up about the New Years kiss tradition. I myself have never been in a relationship around New Years so I've never taken part in that tradition. I never cared for the idea, just seemed like another reason for single girls to feel sorry for themselves. Of course, Jessie being Jessie, he was being very flirtatious and even offered to kiss me. I laughed thinking he was teasing and agreed thinking that it would be one of our friendly pecks. Even when he hinted about his genuine feelings I had to smile and laugh. Why am I so naive?
So its 10 till and we switch on the patio t.v. to watch the ball drop (...) Jessie's standing next to me and for some reason I felt a tad uneasy, like something was going to happen. I brushed it aside telling myself "Of course something is going to happen! Its a NEW YEAR! The END of FAIL! 2010 is gunna ROCK!" Then came the countdown. By 10 we were all in it together...
"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!"
I felt like I was being swept away. I turned to Jessie and next thing I knew we were kissing! It may have gone on for about 30 seconds. Now to some this may seem like a highly romantic scenario. Girl falls for the best friend and doesn't know it till they kiss ushering in a new year! ---Ok let me just say right now that that ONLY happens like that in the MOVIES!!! And I am NOT a blushing bride in a Chick Flick!
Honestly? Even though it wasn't bad, there was nothing there for me. Kissing Jessie didn't give me the buzz! When I really like somebody, kissing them makes feel I could plant my feet down on hot coals and never take a step if it meant I could stay so close. Hell even just sitting next to Brandon made me feel such things. But Jessie. I just couldn't. The feeling wasn't there. Although I found myself wishing that I could feel that way, if it would make him happy.
After that, everything pretty much went as it should. Some of us even carried out what will be MY New years tradition: Running down the neighborhood street calling out "Happy New Year" for all the world to hear! We left the party shortly after and stopped by Didi's family gathering before heading home. Jessie was my last drop off. I was a little afraid he'd try to kiss me again. He still wasn't sober, and I had no idea what was running through his cloudy mind. Thankfully though, my feel was needless. He bid me goodnight and told me to drive safe then got out of the car.
I had hoped that this meant that tonight wasn't a huge deal and that could just get on with our lives. So I drove home and didn't think much more about it. After that, I didn't hear much from him. The only time we hung out was when we were in a group with Ian and Brandon. And even then we didn't talk much. At first it wasn't a big thing. I actually started to talk to Brandon about it when it was just the two of us, but decided against it, thinking I was just making more of it than I was. So then I just forgot all together. Of course I should have known that the whole damn thing would come back to bite me in the ass once school started up again.
Spring Semester, 2010.
Finally I'm taking a fun class with Brandon, Ian AND Didi! Jessie was supposed to join us as well but unfortunately registration continues to screw him over since he's been away from school for so long. He decided to take some time off to work, but one semester turned to two then three...you get the picture. This time around though, I was actually really frustrated with him because I felt he didn't really want to come back at all. Or else he would have been on top of things and may have been able to get back into school on time. But he gave up on the idea and told us that he was not going to be stopping by so much like last semester. It seemed like he had an excuse for everything! I was starting to wonder what it was really all about.
One day on the first week of school, Ian, Didi, Brandon and I were off campus on our lunch break. Then out of the blue, Didi asked the forbidden question "What's going on with you and Jessie?" At first I was genuinely confused. "Why?" I asked "Have you talked to him lately?"
"No, I mean New Years." she said.
I froze. Suddenly the events of that night came flooding back at once. I looked over at the boys who were eyeing me curiously. Neither of them knew about what happened that night. At this point I knew there was no chance of hiding it. I would spill it sooner or later. Might as well get it off my chest now. So I told them the story about the party, the drinking and the events leading up the the infamous kiss which apparently lasted longer than I once thought according to Didi. I was mortified. Hearing me talking about out loud made me feel like a total idiot. Why did I let it happen? I totally put myself in the situation! Whats going to happen now? Will our friends opinion of me change? The answer to the last question I pretty much got right away. Nobody blamed me for what happened. It was stupid mistake but it wasn't all on me. And I seemed to be doing a good job punishing myself. But now that I've let it out, the thing to do was to talk to Jessie about it. Wasn't sure how I was gunna pull that off, but I knew they were right.
But I knew that was easier said than done...
To be continued...
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