Men, Women...Pregnancy

   Okay...This one may be touchy for some. So if you have a hard reading about Sex, Pregnancy or abortion, you may want to leave now. Just know you've been warned.


   So I have recently discovered the phone app called "Whisper". For those of you who don't know, it is an anonymous app where you can share secrets, ask questions, and give advise all without giving any personal info or names. Supposed to be judgement free, but there really is no escaping that (after all Trolls are almost always anonymous.)
  Anyway, I can across this one Whisper post by a girl that made me feel rather sad...

"I took my daughter to meet her father for her first birthday. He opened the door and slammed it in her face."

  Well of course my first reaction was, "Oh! What an asshole!" and there were many replies of that nature. But it didn't slip past me that this young woman probably knew that this particular baby-daddy didn't want to be in this child's life. However this doesn't excuse his actions.
  What REALLY floored me though were the reactions this post was getting from some of the male whisperers.

"Well then obviously he didn't want her. Now you should respect his wishes and leave him alone."

   Alright. Now I don't claim to be the know-all here, but first of all, none of us (save the mother) knows exactly what is going on in this scenario. But it could be that it may not have been obvious that guy in question didn't in fact want to be a father. Maybe he thought it was a good idea at first and then changed his mind. Maybe it was a failure in contraception or perhaps he decided not to use a condom. Regardless of the circumstance, there is nothing "obvious" about it as far as we whisperers are concerned. So to me that first sentence is irrelevant.
  Second of all, as far as respecting the man's wishes and leaving him alone....Whether he likes it or not, that child is 50% of his DNA. The way I see it, the mother was simply giving him a chance (perhaps undeserving) to get to know her. He chose not to. Fine. But I hope he knows that by making that decision now, he is waiving ANY parental rights that he has to this child.

  All that aside, it does bother me that the man who posted that reply is so quick to say "well you should respect him because he doesn't want her". Did it occur to this guy that maybe if he didn't want a baby he could have taken better precautions before having sex in the first place?

I replied to him "You know what? If he didn't want to be a father, he should have wrapped up."

  Now let me just say right now that I have been sexually active for some years now and condoms have always been used every time. And all these years I've had my man wear these babies, WE HAVE NOT HAD A SINGLE CONDOM BREAK! Not one. Of course we've always selected our brands carefully and made sure to use them correctly but my point is, this is an obtainable, save and AMAZING form of contraception which should always be considered before intercourse.

  With all that said. I got a reply from another person saying that "Condoms fail." and continued of how the woman was mostly to blame on getting pregnant in the first place and if he didn't want the baby, she could have gotten an abortion.  Now I hate that when that is just thrown out there like that's the end of the discussion "Condoms fail" Period, End of Story. That's just silly. Now what they may have meant to say "Condoms CAN fail" and that is most certainly true...when used incorrectly. But then they had to throw the abortion in...

  Now I know this is a tough one for both men and women alike. Not everyone believes in it. I am a woman and I am pro-choice. But I don't believe that abortion should be considered as a form of "Birth control". It is a decision, and not an easy one to make or walk away from. I think it is something that has to be considered VERY carefully. With that said, I find it very interesting that the SAME person who was going on about condoms not being reliable was actually telling me AND this mother that she should have gotten an abortion! It is very difficult to find words for the absurdness of this person's logic. It was like they were saying that it wasn't the Man's fault at all that this woman got pregnant in the first place, and once she was it was her responsibility to "get rid of it" and if she wouldn't do that, then she's on her own with the kid.
  I could be way off base here, but something really doesn't sit right with me about ANY of that. If I can sum it all up here: HE decided he was going to sleep with this woman. HE decided to risk the occurrence of pregnancy. Yet HE gets to walk away scot free?

Nope, still doesn't sit right.

  But I digress. I still don't know entire situation of this woman and her little girl. I know about as much as the rest of those who've replied. I just find it hard to stomach the fact that there are men AND women out there who will just put the blame solely on her because she decided to have the kid. His actions are completely excused and he gets to continue his life, like the pregnancy never happened. Like many men get to do. Unfortunately, women never get to walk away. Even abortion can't relieve us from it. Even for those who get the procedure done, we don't walk out of that clinic feeling exactly as we did before. You NEVER forget something like that! And we have to carry it around with us for the rest of our lives. Adoption is the same way. You carry a baby inside for 9 months and your body grows and changes and then to have it all taken away...again, you never just walk away from it in the end.

  Look, unplanned or unwanted pregnancy is not a picnic for both parties. But for anyone who blames a woman for wanting her baby and cared enough to give the father a CHANCE to be there, maybe you need to take a second before typing your response.

Self defense

   Based on a somewhat heated discussion between me and Brandon, I have made a decision. Today I have sworn to never ever rely on a man to fight my battles (whether they be verbal or physical) for me. I will not be the woman who stands there and waits for her man or male friends to do something when I'm threatened. I don't need a man to protect me.
   There is a thing about harassment towards women that I'm not sure Brandon (or any man) really understands. Sexual harassment doesn't just start when a man puts his hands on me. It sometimes starts with words. People are capable of saying terrible, disgusting things. As much as every motherfucker out there likes to claim freedom of speech, those same guys who think they have the god given right to say these disgusting things to us women, are the same guys who think they have the same god given right to our bodies. And I say "NO".
   And even if the guys around me won't defend me under such circumstances, I won't stand for it! Just like no man has the right to touch my body, no man has the right to verbally degrade or insult me! I'm not going to wait for somebody to touch me and THEN have a man jump in to help. I'm going to only rely on myself and be prepared to defend myself from the get-go.
I refuse to be helpless...
I refuse to be a victim...

Time to look up some self defense classes...

Everyone is happy for your relationship...except your best friends...

Its been a long time.

Brandon and I have been together for nearly two years now. Probably the happiest two years that I've had in a long time. At least between the two of us.

For the most part, things have been wonderful. Even despite the fact that he's not my Mom's first choice in a man for me, she has come to accept him as my love. I know that in the end, she wants to see me happy and hopes the decisions I make are the right ones. I couldn't ask for more from my Mother.

But when it comes to others. Things haven't been going as well.

in November 2011, my two best girlfriends (Delilah and Chrissy) and I were hanging out just having a good time. We were pretty much hanging out all afternoon and were just kicking back at my house when Delilah brought up Brandon. You see, earlier in late October, I had received an invite from Delilah's grandmother to their family Thanksgiving dinner. I had called her grandmother myself and asked if I might bring Brandon to celebrate. She told me it would be alright. Now I had planned on telling Delilah myself, but I guess news travels fast in her family, because when us three girls were sitting in my living room, she suddenly said to me "Just...make sure he's nice to my family."

Well I was of course confused. Why wouldn't Brandon be nice to her family? He was never unkind to ANYONE's family! Hell, he was never unkind to her! And yet Delilah still even asked me if Brandon disliked her, which I didn't understand. By now however, I was starting to get the feeling that this conversation was going down a road I really didn't want to travel.

Delilah started to inform me that Brandon's "negative attitude" was a downer on her and she brought up how he didn't speak highly of his own family. This was probably the only time in my life that I wanted to punch Delilah in the face. Brandon was not as fortunate as she and I were with caring and comforting homes. Somehow Delilah never grasped that when Brandon would try to explain what life was like at home. Did she just tune him out completely during that conversation? To make things worse, Chrissy thought it was necessary to chime in with how she was never fond of Brandon ALL ALONG and always felt that he never liked her.

See, what annoyed me most about Chrissy was that nothing that she was telling me now was a mystery to me. I knew how she felt. She's mentioned it millions of times. Jesus, I mean she practically ended our 6 year friendship when she thought that I was choosing him over her that first year Brandon and I started hanging out in 2010. So of course I knew it wasn't all forgive and forget with her. Yet she was now acting as if I was retarded and seriously had no clue how she felt. I knew, I just wasn't going to let it cloud my judgement about my dating him.

Delilah was what actually shocked me (and Brandon) because she never mentioned it, or gave any hints to it EVER. And it had been a couple years. I wasn't sure how she could come up with this opinion about Brandon being all negative because she really didn't hang with him that often. And yet she was acting as if she barely got to see me without him. Uhhhh???? Were there times when Brandon hung out with her and me? Sure, but that was only because Brandon wanted to see her too (Brandon actually really Delilah and enjoyed her company).

Of course at this point, I felt really ganged up on. It was them against me, and I had nobody to stand behind and support me. No middle party, no Brandon...just me to argue for him and myself. All I wanted was to end this topic fast and end the evening as quick as possible. I basically told Delilah that Brandon indeed enjoyed her company, he just doesn't outwardly show emotion very well. He's not exactly in the business in being liked and easily comes across as an asshole and he is well aware of that. That seemed to satisfy the girls. But I had a hunch that Delilah would rather not have Brandon at her family dinner, but I would have to think about that another time. I was on the verge of tears and wanted them out of my house! One moment they were my best friends, the next felt like they were traitors! I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even pay attention to the conversation after that. Chrissy and Delilah were on my laptop, looking up shit and laughing and all I wanted to do was scream.

I had to talk to Brandon. I picked up my phone and texted that I needed to talk to him asap and that I hoped the girls were leaving soon. But to my horror, I realized that I accidentally sent the text to Delilah's phone instead of Brandon's! My Heart began to race in panic, but I saw Delilah's phone on the coffee table. She didn't even see that she received a message. I reached over and picked up her cell. Chrissy laughed and made a comment about me messing with Delilah's new smart phone. I laughed and pretended that I was just looking to see how it worked. The girls accepted that and went on with my laptop. Thankfully I managed to find the message box very quickly, found the text from me and deleted it from her cell. She would never know that it was there.

That was a little too close a call. Last thing I needed was anything I said to be taken out of context and ending in a huge argument. I tried my phone again and made sure to send the correct text to Brandon this time. As usual, he could tell I was upset and wondered what was up. I told him that as soon as I could get away, I would be driving to his house.

After what felt like waaay too long, the girls left my house at the same time. Somehow I knew that those two would be continuing to agree with each other about how Brandon was a no good and I was ready to lose it. My Pops was wondering if everything was alright and I pretty much spilled my guts out about how horrible I felt and what had happened. He seemed to understand how distressing my situation was. As soon as I could though, I was in my car and driving through tears to my boyfriend's house. I asked him to come outside so we could take a walk and I could explain everything. Frankly he was about as shocked and confused as I was, particularly about Delilah. We really didn't see that coming. I cried. I couldn't keep the tears from coming and it was a long time before the flood would stop, and only to start again two minutes later.

That night, I wrote a brief and vague blog on facebook about how I felt and thought that it was to the point enough that those who were involved would know what it was and those who weren't wouldn't be too informed. Of course the very next morning I received two message responses. One from Delilah, the other from Chrissy. Both of which were rather lengthy and came in around the same time. Both writer's explained their side the of the situation, how they didn't mean to hurt me and how shocked were to see my blog (yeah because THAT was shocking and hurtful). Also both were careful to mention how they would NEVER ask me to end my relationship with Brandon. I still have a suspicion to this day that the two of them were conversing via facebook when writing their messages. They just seemed too similar. Only real difference was that Chrissy's message was slightly more positive in the sense that she sounded like she wanted to work things out. While Delilah's message sounded more defeated as if there was nothing to be done or fixed. So of course, Chrissy is the one I speak to on the phone first.

To make an even longer story a little shorter. Delilah ended up making it very clear that she didn't want Brandon to come to Thanksgiving and asked me to un-invite him. I was devastated. I felt torn in two. Yet Chrissy seemed to think that it shouldn't have been a hard decision and that I shouldn't have expected to bring a boyfriend to my friend's event. I thought the whole thing was stupid. Nobody would be pulling this shit on me if Brandon was my husband! But with a heavy heart, I ended up dragging myself to that Thanksgiving dinner without him. Swearing to myself and to him that if I was invited again next year, that I would turn down the invite if he can't join too. I was so upset over the decision that I couldn't fully enjoy myself. I had never have not looked forward to a holiday like that before. And what was worse, it didn't even feel like it mattered to Delilah or that she even noticed. All she cared about was herself and her comfort, and for the first time I really resented her.

Thankfully though, a month later, my mom totally made it up to me when she said I should invite Brandon to Christmas eve dinner. And I have to say that it was the BEST Christmas ever! Hands down!

Anyway, I feel that even now, my friendship with either girl hasn't been the same since that night. Well Chrissy and I have sort of been in a weird place since 2010 or 11 but Delilah and me? I don't know about her but I just don't trust her like I used to anymore. She says that we could talk about Brandon and we have talked about him but I really don't feel comfortable about it anymore. Even though she says she has a better understanding now, she's just not the person I thought she was. The reality is that she has changed since before she went to college. She's changed yet I feel she hasn't progressed. She doesn't even keep guys around long enough to get close to them while I sustain a two year relationship. What is she going to do when I get married? Is she even going to support that decision?

It really makes me want to rethink my options for my bridal party.

*sigh* I'm not really sure where this is all going to end.

What do you think needs to be done? Or not done?

Ignorance

I wish I could fix the world.

If I could, I would end war and famine and hunger. Every child would have a loving home and every adult could work their dream job and we'd still be able to live in harmony with nature without illness or disease. I would also end the ignorance that destroys people.

I guess when I think about it, there are many people who wish for the same things. But I can't help but wonder how many actually truly feel the same way that I do. Because if enough of us in the word felt so strongly about ending our troubles, wouldn't we have the power to truly make the change? I think we could. But the trouble is human kind is naturally selfish and afraid. We're afraid of the consequences if we stood up for what we believe in, and if enough people would follow us. For some reason we have a fear of striking out on our own. A feeling I understand all too well.

I know I can't right all the wrongs of this world by myself. Nobody wants to listen to a single idea from a single person unless they have others to back them up. Its like that song "Just one Person" that was sung on the Muppet Show, The Peanuts and by Elmo. It goes it talks about if just one person believes in you, than others will believe too. And maybe if enough people believe in you, than maybe you can start to believe in you too.

Maybe if I felt that enough people believe in me, than maybe I could try to right all the wrongs...one wrong at a time of course :)

Maybe I wont be able to single handedly end war or famine or hunger. Maybe I wont be able to give every child a loving home or give every adult their dream job. I could try to clean up the world so we can live in harmony with nature. I know I could try to rid the ignorance that destroys people...young people. I think thats the thing I want to accomplish the most. Because when you rid the ignorance in people...the other problems with eventually disappear. Because it is in ignorance is where all thats wrong with the world really begins.

I believe we can do it...but I wont be able to do it alone.

Have I lost my Muse?

I want to start writing again.

Not just in blogged and statuses.

I want to get back into the swing of the things in writing short stories. I feel like I've lost my creative ability. How is it that when I was at community college and had less time on my hands I had more of an urge to do things? Now I feel I can barely pick up and book and read it let alone try and write one. Back in high school I used to paint. Now I haven't picked up a brush in over a year. I used to draw all the time, then it switched to painting and after that it switched to writing and then it switched to music videos and blogging and now I am hardly doing that!

...what the hell is going on with me?

I don't know if its sheer laziness or that I lost my muse.

Or maybe I am just the kind of person that needs a little more of a push to get things going. After all, Brandon had to give me the right amount of encouragement to get me to workout everyday. Maybe I need to have the right encouragement for my creative mind as well. I was always writing more when I was in a class or on the newspaper. I was taking paint classes, I was in theatre workshops.

Maybe I need to get back into a class to find my own inspiration again. Its strange...I always thought that once I have my own time and plenty of it, I'd be able to do everything I dreamed of doing. I would write novels and paint masterpieces and show them to the whole world and they would love me for it. I even dreamed that I would audition for a brilliant play or musical and get the big part and that when I was done with school I would have the time for the rehearsals! But since I have finished school, all I have done was work and come home or spend time with Brandon (Not that there is anything wrong with that). But its not where I thought I'd be.

But then again. My massage license hasn't even come through yet. That was a big part of the plan because once I had that license I'd be able to make more of a more flexible schedule and make more money! Then I'd be able to take matters into my own hands and do more in my life. I've also been concentrating so hard on wanting to moving out of my parents home.

I guess there is a lot more to it.

I just don't want to become that person who used to have so much going for them and then in the end had nothing to show for it. I want to be somebody that Brandon and my parents can be proud of...someone that I can be proud of...

I'll get there. I know I will.

...I have to...

~IrishEyes~

Wedding Conversations

Apparently according to my mother I am only going to have two girls for my bridesmaids...

If that's the case my older sister is definitely NOT going to be one of them!

Let me step back a bit.

No, Brandon and I are not engaged...not yet. But we do talk about marriage from time to time, which I feel we have every right to do. We've already said that we'd love to spend the rest of our lives together and I don't see that changing any time soon. But we are also very realistic about it. We know we need to be financially stable in a decent home of our own before we'd even get engaged. A goal we are slowly working on.

Now I don't know if my mother thinks the two of us are serious. But it bothers me because I have never been in a relationship for a whole year before. Brandon and I have been together for almost 14 months. And of course as you, my dear readers, know I have been in love with him for years prior. So I don't know how Mom would think we weren't serious.

But anyway, I am also bothered that I can't even have a hypothetical conversation with my mom about marriage. I was in the shower and thinking about plans for the wedding I would love to have and making a scrapbook with pictures of what I might want for it. So naturally I was thinking about my bridesmaids and what they'd wear and I thought about how Chrissy is begging me not to make everyone wear matching dresses (apparently none matching is the trend). I get out of the shower and start drying off and I step out of the bathroom and say to my Mom "You know what I think one of the hardest things about planning a wedding would be? Bridesmaids dresses!" and the response I get from Mom "When are YOU getting married?"

Um...ok, not the response I was expecting. Then I proceed to explain about Chrissy and Mom just dismissed it as a trendy thing and said "You will probably will only have two dresses to choose." Ok how does she figure that? I have three good girlfriends Chrissy included. Does Mom seriously think that I have no friends or something? It wouldn't be the first time she made assumptions like that. She also has said that I would probably have a much smaller wedding than my sister's because I don't know as many people as she does. What a load of bullocks!

And of course I am sure she got offended when I said that when my sister was married I didn't care about wearing the same dress as the other girls and even if I did, she would tan my hide. I wasn't even being really serious but she gave me that look. Hey, I wouldn't have said it if Sis hadn't tanned my hide before. I think Mom is in denial about that, or at least thinks that I dwell on it too much. I'm sorry, but Sis had a bad temper (sometimes still does) as a pre-teen/teenager and did raise a hand to me in anger a few times, but whatever.

Anyway, I am not talking to Mom anymore about the subject, at least not till after she sees a ring on my finger. Unless she is going to take me seriously, there really is no point. It'll only leads to arguments and heartache.

~IrishEyes~

Bullying

It is my feeling that almost everyone has dealt with teasing and being made fun of in school at one time or another. I was teased and made fun of at middle school. It hurt. I cried a lot. Many times I didn't want to go back to school. But l was lucky. I had a family at home who loved me and I was a happy healthy child that wasn't so scared that I couldn't make it day to day. The teasing also wasn't malicious. It was mean but it was not heartless. For me, eventually the teasing stopped and I was able to overcome it and realize that I wasn't fat, or ugly. However I am still left with a slight complex. I still keep an eye on the mirror. I also find myself asking Brandon if I am fat every once in a while, and then I hate myself for it.

I know. It doesn't really sound lucky...not if I am still affected by it. But when I read about how so many kids and teens committed suicide over this shit makes me think that things for me could have been a lot worse. I wasn't even teased in High School, homeschooling saved me from that. But if I was, would I be worse off? Would I have felt strong enough to overcome it all? Or would I have wanted to give it all? If I knew then what I know now, I sure I would have over come it easily. I mean come on, its HIGH SCHOOL! Its not like who you are in high school has to shape you for the rest of your life. I mean if it does, that is kind of sad. But whats even more sad is those who feel so desperate to escape high school bullying that they feel they have to KILL themselves! I swear to God it makes me mad even more than it makes me sad! Suicide?! Its a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem! Don't people ever talk to these kids?

I am sorry if I come across as hard or insensitive, its just so hard to believe that anyone can think that high school is the highlight of life. I feel that if these kids had ANY idea of what wonderful things in life there is to experience after teen years, they would never even consider killing themselves. They would actually try to hang on longer.

Now is just me or has suicide ratings in teens have gone up? Brandon's dad thinks it is due to modern parenting and us telling our children at an early age that they are "special" and therefore they don't expect the teasing and are so much more sensitive about it. And I'm actually not one to disagree with that. I do believe that the changes in how we raise our children does play a big part in school bullying and teen suicide. But its not just how we raise the children who kill themselves, its how we raise the bullies. But I also think its the changes in school systems. I mean back in the day when our parents and grandparents were in school, teachers were aloud to take more action with children if they misbehaved in school. Children were more afraid of being punished and therefore knew better than to beat up on other kids. So naturally there wasn't as much bullying and therefore no suicides...not over school bullying anyway.

But I guess there really is no real way to tell. But this can't go on. What are we supposed to? What can we do for these kids?